Don’t let little niggles rob you of beauty sleep. Here’s how not to sweat the small stuff.
1. Losing a partner
The fear of losing a partner is usually the fear of being alone and having to fend for oneself, says clinical psychologist Jolynne du Randt. “It’s a common human tendency to overestimate the power of a situation – and underestimate our ability to cope with it. When we indulge in ‘what if?’ games, our fears of not being good enough or strong enough become bigger. These fantasies are based on fear, and have little or nothing to do with reality. The simple act of saying ‘stop!’ out loud each time a negative thought begins is the same as putting a spanner in a spinning-wheel – you stop the cycle of fearful thoughts before they start.” Practise doing this every time a scary thought enters your head, and after a while you’ll have them less.
2. Weight gain
Shocking as it is, some surveys indicate that women worry more about their weight than getting cancer. We have to stop comparing ourselves with celebrities whose lives consist of punishing exercise routines and starvation diets. The pertinent question is: do you weigh more than is healthy for your age and height? If the answer is yes, stop worrying and start doing – with the right foods and exercise, a healthy weight is an entirely achievable goal. If you are not overweight (go to our BMI tool to calculate your healthy weight), the issue is psychological and requires separating body image from self-image, and understanding that those extra few kilos just don’t matter. Says Jolynne, “When we base our happiness on external things, eg. being the ‘perfect’ weight, the goal post keeps shifting as we discover that weighing X does not, in fact, make us as happy. A good way of countering this is by observing one’s internal dialogue; when you start telling yourself you should be thinner, criticise the negative thought until it goes away.”
3. Good sex
Whether we’re married and having boring sex or single and not having any at all, sex is something women worry about. There is so much focus on sex that if we’re not having multiple orgasms at lunchtime we think there’s something wrong. “It’s only in our Western culture that sex gets so much attention,” explains Teresia Karlsson, Swedish psychologist, “and it’s created unrealistic expectations and unfounded anxiety. Most people – single and in partnerships – don’t have nearly as much sex as we assume, and that’s OK. If, however, it’s not OK that sex in your marriage has taken a back seat, know that you are not alone and that there are things you can do to break the monotony. If you’re comfortable with it, watching porn together can be a great stimulant, as can incorporating sex-toys into your lovemaking. Sometimes scheduling ‘sex nights’ can be fun. This way, both of you look forward to the evening, while a bit of flirting and some sexy text-messaging during the day ups the excitement and anticipation.”
4. Maintaining friendships
Without knowing how it happened, you wake up one day to discover that you have no friends. “As women, we prioritise ourselves and our needs last,” says Teresia, “and often, the relationships we once enjoyed with our friends are the first things we neglect.” If you suspect you’ve been a bad friend you’re probably right, but it’s not difficult to remedy. Bringing friendship back into your life starts with scheduling time for yourself – something you should be doing anyway. Arrange for a ‘friend date’ every couple of weeks – this could be seeing a movie, meeting for coffee or simply closing your bedroom door and having a proper, uninterrupted conversation on the phone. “Having a ‘back-up team’ apart from your family is an important source of support, a neutral place to vent frustration and a reminder that you are a person with a life and interests, and not just a wife and a mom,” says Teresia.
5. Ageing
What we fear is not ageing per se, but the effect this process has on our skin, bodies and minds, and how we will adapt to being older. While we can’t stop the clock, the good news is that older women have never looked younger, sexier or been in better shape. To maintain healthy, good looks, keeping fit through exercise, eating well, getting enough sleep and having a good skin-care regime with lots of moisturiser are key; as is cutting out those complexion-destroying cigarettes and keeping alcohol to a minimum. Skin-care specialists are getting cleverer at natural, non-invasive ‘face-lifting’ procedures which reverse some of the effects of gravity without the dangers of cosmetic surgery, while chemical peels and laser-treatments take years off your face by removing fine lines and hyper-pigmentation. Nowadays, older women have the benefit of their wisdom, confidence and experience while looking fabulous at the same time – a very powerful combination.
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