By Sara Mould
The end of a partnership doesn’t have to mean the end of your shared relationships. Here’s how to maintain those special friendships you both enjoyed.
So it hasn’t worked out for the two you and you’re going your separate ways. But over the years you’ve built a host of shared friendships, and close relationships with his sister, aunt and cousins. How do you negotiate this tricky new territory? Will your shared friends take sides? Will his family blame you for the break and ban you from their home? We asked psychologists Riaan Grobbelaar and Cezzanne Norman-Hoffman for guidance on how to sail these potential stormy seas.
FAMILY TIES
What if his sister has been your best friend, or what if his mother and your mother have regular Sunday brunches? Should those friendships be sacrificed because of your failed relationship? In the end, it comes down to both parties involved. In some cases blood will prove to be thicker than water, but certainly not every time. Shape reader Pamela Fredrick says “My ex husband and I divorced in 2005. I still have very good relationships with most of my ex’s family and even my husband and new in-laws are friends.” Family psychologist Riaan Grobbelaar says it is often assumed that this situation is abnormal. But don’t be dictated to by stereotype. “Only you and your family can decide on whom to allow into your inner circle of family and friends. And you don’t need to report to anybody or explain why it works for you,” he says. You will perhaps not remain friends with all your ex’s family, but you can realistically expect to retain some of them as friends.
Do If you feel the need to explain your side of the story, make an appointment with them. It is important to be calm, so wait until you feel emotionally strong enough and when you are ready, choose a relaxed and neutral setting.
Do Let them know how things are now – they will want to know what’s happening in your life. Tell them what it is that you need to do to move on and give them an idea of your future expectations of them.
Do Listen, and try to get clarity on what they want and expect from you. You may want to continue the conversation with them at a later stage if you need more time to reflect on their expectations.
Don’t assign blame or project your angry feelings towards your former partner onto them and don’t be drawn into arguments. Don’t allow yourself to be persuaded or pressured into taking your former partner back.
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