Where have all the good guys gone?

Still single and searching for (the apparently elusive) Mr Right? The problem may lie with you, say psychologists. It’s time for a bit of introspection.

All your previous relationships have failed, for which you’ve blamed everything from his mother’s dominance to the gender ratio in your town. But, here’s something you might not like to hear — chances are you have something to do with the rocky path romance has traveled.

You’re not unlovable, but perhaps you think you are. Or perhaps you have an unwitting talent for attracting unavailable men. Or perhaps you’re still clinging to a romantic notion that eventually Mr Right will cross your path and you’ll live happily ever after.

“Nobody wants to burst that heart-shaped bubble about love,” says Dianne, who has been married for six years. “It seems mean, like an older sister telling her siblings that there’s no Father Christmas. But the truth is that after a couple of years, Mr Right’s sheen of perfection wears off and there will be many moments when you doubt that he’s the ‘only one’ for you. You realise that making the relationship work is more about managing yourself than trying to change him.”

If you’re in your 30s and still single, despite wanting to be in a healthy, committed relationship, it’s time to start being realistic, says Cape Town clinical psychologist Helgo Schomer. There are a number of reasons that could explain why you’re single — and they’re all related to you, not the men you have chosen.

Are you being too critical?

Many women have set such unrealistically high standards that no-one they meet is ever deemed good enough, says clinical psychologist Lucille Zwemstra, based in Centurion, near Pretoria. Having high standards is a comfortable excuse for many single women as no-one would want to see you “settling” for someone you’re not entirely excited about.

But often this explanation is something of a self-defence mechanism too. By immediately identifying his flaws and writing off the possibility of a relationship because of them, you never have to face up to your own short-comings.

This attitude places your relationship destiny out of your own control, as there’s not much you can do about it if the men you meet never measure up to your expectations — other than lowering your expectations, that is; which to empowered and otherwise successful women may feel like a personal let-down.

This is where making a distinction between reality and fantasy becomes important. “Let’s assume there are 10 non-negotiable qualities you’re looking for in a man,” says Schomer.

“Ask yourself how many men you’ve met that meet all 10 requirements. Have you actually been in a relationship with any of thosen” If you’re nearing 35 and still want to have children, ask yourself what’s more important — having a family, or being in a relationship with your perfect man, suggests Schomer.

“If you choose family, perhaps it’s time to give the guy who meets six of your 10 criteria a try.” He may not be perfect, but let’s be honest, neither are you.

“Women who are highly critical of others are often also very critical of themselves,” says Zwemstra, and adds that they may struggle with low self-esteem. “These women instinctively push away men who do meet their criteria with thoughts such as ‘I don’t deserve him’ or ‘He could do better, he wouldn’t be interested in me’.”

Be honest with yourself. Are your expectations really based on non-negotiable traits you expect in a partner, or is telling yourself he’s not good enough a way to protect yourself from possible rejectionn

Are you being held back by the past?

It may seem like a paradox, but many women (who want to be in a committed relationship) have entrenched themselves in a pattern of choosing unavailable men. The first time it happens, you could put it down to bad luck; the second time, unfortunate coincidence; but by the third time, you need to recognise the trend.

Ask yourself why you, possibly on an unconscious level, keep being drawn to unavailable men (whether these men are commitment-phobic, emotionally detached or involved in another relationship). Often, the pattern is set up in childhood.

If your father was absent, or emotionally distant, says Schomer, you’ll continue trying to get the unavailable man’s attention until you confront the problem of the past and undertake to change things going forward.

Are you afraid of intimacy?

Women are often not consciously aware of this, yet it’s common, particularly among successful young professionals, says Zwemstra.

“Women who grew up in a home where their parents behaved in a manner that was hurtful to each other may be more afraid of intimacy than they realise. Without deliberately intending to, they allow their careers to take precedence over their personal lives and work becomes a balm to soothe anxiety and fear.”

Working long hours may mean you’ll clamber up the corporate ladder faster than your peers, but it’s also a convenient (and socially respected) way to avoid confronting loneliness in your life outside of work. Others may admire your dedication and ability to prioritise your career over your personal life, but don’t let workplace success stop you from facing up to the fact that you struggle to make relationships work.

A certain degree of ambition is desirable, says Schomer, as most men are looking for equals. “They want someone who is equally career-driven and independent, not a woman who is waiting for a man to save her.

But be careful of overcompensating for your single status by placing an unhealthy priority on your career, as men don’t want to be ‘outshone’ either, regardless of how politically incorrect that may seem,” warns Schomer.

Are you afraid of getting hurt?

Again, this fear is often unconscious, and it is common among people who were relocated often as children. “These women often report that every time they began to make friends and become emotionally invested, they were forced to uproot themselves,” says Zwemstra.

For some, these moves were so painful that they learnt to make only superficial attachments in an effort to avoid getting hurt and this pattern continues into their adult life.

“This problem is also common for those who experienced significant losses as a child, such as the loss of a parent through death or divorce,” says Zwemstra.

Are you still searching for your own identity?

If you haven’t figured out what you think and feel about yourself, the world and the people around you, entering into a new relationship may be difficult. Use this time on your own to figure out what you really want from life and what you feel truly passionate about. Many women struggle to express themselves, not because they’re afraid to, but because they’re unsure of the message they want to put out there about who they are.

They keep themselves distant from others by acting aloof or having superficial conversations in an attempt to hide their uncertainty. This behaviour is a form of isolation that may prevent the hurt of possible rejection, but it also prevents opportunities to connect with the people around you, which is vital in establishing meaningful relationships.

Are you afraid of being alone?

At the other extreme end of women who have set their expectations too high are women who are so afraid of being alone that they have hardly any expectations at all.

They end up in relationships that are completely unsuitable because they have little in common with their chosen partner and he doesn’t fit into their social circle. They believe that in time, and with their help, he can change and become more like the person they want him to be, but this is seldom the case.

“Men are not projects,” says Schomer, “the project is you.” By getting involved in a relationship that you know has no long-term potential, you’re making yourself unavailable to other men who may be more suitable, thus sabotaging your future prospects. Ask yourself why you are choosing to be with a man you don’t fully accept as he is. Is focusing on trying to change him a way to avoid facing changes you need to make yourselfe

Action plan

• While good luck and good timing certainly play a role in the construction of happy, healthy relationships, it’s not all left to chance. There are steps you can take right now to turn fate in your favour and make sure you’re ready to connect the next time a great guy crosses your path.
• First and foremost, you need to banish couch-potato behaviour, says Schomer. There’s no guarantee that you’ll meet Mr Right at that party, dinner or function you’ve been dreading, but we can guarantee that you won’t meet him if you’re staying in watching television. Yes, it can be difficult to attend events alone, or go to parties where you don’t know the crowd — but the best way to get better at that is to just start doing it. Make a point of saying yes to the invitations you usually decline.
• Take up a new sport, hobby or part-time study. “Being single isn’t a bad thing, as long as you’re growing and developing yourself,” says Schomer. Explore things that’ll build you up and bring you happiness, as this is attractive to others. Make full use of your time alone, knowing that it won’t last forever.
• Realise what you have to offer and remind yourself of these traits when you experience self-doubt. Allowing thoughts such as “I’ll never meet the right guy” or “Who would want to be with mee” will put you in a negative space, which is never attractive to others.
• Take some time to do a bit of self-analysis. Are childhood issues still dictating the way you behave in your relationshipsp Would you know how to handle them if you met someone newo If not, consult a psychologist for advice and guidance before entering into your next relationship.
• Make physical changes. Give your naked self a once-over in the mirror and identify areas you’d like to change. “If you don’t like what you see in the mirror, men probably won’t like it either, or else they’ll be put off by your self-consciousness. If you need to lose weight, start exercising and watching what you eat,” says Schomer.