Ashlin Simpson
The 16 Days of Activism for No Violence against Women and Children campaign runs annually from 25th November to 10 December. Before this year’s campaign ends, we’d like to bring your attention to some sobering statistics about domestic abuse in South Africa.
- 1 in 4 women is abused daily in SA
- Every 6 hours a woman is killed by her intimate partner
- The average woman leaves an abusive relationship after 12 years
- Over 90% of abuse in heterosexual relationships is perpetrated by men on their wives/partners
We asked Fatima Ismail, the counseling and awareness coordinator, and Ilse Ahrends, the partnership coordinator at the Saartjie Baartman Centre, to elaborate on why men abuse women and children.
“Abusive behaviour is very often learnt behaviour” says Ilse, “but one also has to look at it from a psychological point of view”.
Children who haven’t had a secure enough attachment to their primary caregivers develop insecurities, a lack of confidence and often have many anxieties, much of which remain subliminal. An insecure male can grow up to learn that he can control his own anxieties and feelings of insecurity by controlling his immediate environment. This often leads to abusive, possessive or jealous behaviour, especially if he has grown up in an abusive, controlling home.
This behaviour commonly leads to a cycle of violence in his relationships, especially with his partner/wife. Things go well for a while until tension builds up – this could be due to work pressure or other stresses – he begins to feel anxious again, even uncomfortable (though often not consciously aware of this or why he should be feeling like this), until eventually there is a violent or other sort of abusive eruption with his partner/wife/family as the recipients, after which he feels in control again and freed from the tension.
“This is when he often becomes very apologetic and promises he won’t do it again – until the next build up and release of tension” says Ilse.
“Our understanding of gender-based violence is basically one of power and control” says Fatima, “for whatever cultural, religious or psychological reasons, the abuser needs to feel in control of his environment/family and often has to exert power over those closest to him to do so”.
Culture and religion play a large role in how we are brought up to understand our roles as male and female.
In most cultures males hold the authority, they are the head of the home, and make the laws, etc. What we learn in the home, at school and in church as children largely shapes who we become as adults.
If a boy grows up in a home with a very authoritarian father, whose word is law, and who believes his wife and children are his possessions, and also witnesses his father becoming abusive in order to maintain that control, the boy will very probably grow up to believe that this is his role as well.
Many men believe that they have the right to demand obedience by inflicting physical abuse if necessary. “And he will be supported, or at least not challenged, by the society in which he lives” says Fatima, “we hear cases like this all the time from the women who come to the centre. The sad thing is that many of these women grew up in homes with violent fathers, and often violent uncles and cousins, and really do not know that there is another kind of relationship available with a man.”
“They take the violence for granted – that’s just the way it is.”
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