We asked experts for advice on handling those tricky conversations you’ve been avoiding:
Over the years your best friend has become completely self-absorbed. She doesn’t seem interested in anyone or anything else and never asks about your life.
Set up a date, says Pretoria-based clinical psychologist Karin Huyssen. Say: “I want to talk to you about something which is very important to me. When would suit yous” When you get together, start with something like, “I’ve noticed that our relationship has changed. It seems to me that you’ve become preoccupied…” Don’t blame or criticise, but tell her how you feel and what your needs are in the friendship. By setting up a specific date to talk, you’ve already prepared her and set the tone for a different kind of interaction: the kind of conversation where you want to be heard.
Your manager is making unrealistic demands on you, and it’s cutting into your personal time, and affecting your relationships at home.
“Respectfully tell him or her that you can no longer keep up with the pace, and that your relationships with others — especially with your family — are suffering,” says business coach Elsabn
Manning. “Remain calm and mature, and appeal to your boss’s empathetic side instead of displaying anger.” Go over your designated responsibilities and request that additional tasks be assigned with enough time for you to plan accordingly. Stating your problem as well as suggesting a possible solution shows that you’re being pro-active rather than complaining.
Your in-laws are coming to stay for the holidays, and the thought of it fills you with dread because your mother-in-law finds fault with everything you do…
…and she’ll find fault with what you have to say too, so don’t confront her. “Your husband should be the one talking to his mother, so tell him how you feel and what you’d like him to do to help,” advises Huyssen. Say: “When your mother criticises my cooking I feel hurt and resentful, and struggle to be nice to her. It would help if you show her you’re fully supporting me.”
Your sister has just been dumped. You feel sorry for her heartache, but she was such a nag in the relationship that you don’t blame him for moving on.
You don’t have to agree with her behaviour to be supportive, and empathy usually works best, says Huyssen. Try: “You must be very hurt” or “I can see that you are angry”. If she asks your opinion, you can tell her that, judging by all her complaints, she didn’t seem too happy in the relationship either. This opens up a way to talk about her behaviour in a
non-threatening manner.
Your co-worker has put on an unhealthy amount of weight and it’s starting to affect her health and happiness. Should you try to talk to her about it?
“This is not advised unless she brings the subject up first,” says Manning. “She may feel highly offended and criticised and she probably already has a poor body image, so she doesn’t need to hear it from you too. But if she brings up the topic, ask her what went wrong. By listening supportively, you may be able to help her process any emotional reasons behind the weight gain.”
Your sex life is dwindling, but your partner is not keen to talk about it.
“Complaining to your man when you want to make love is the worst thing you could do. He will never be turned on by your complaints,” says Manning. Instead, try talking him into it. Set the scene with candles and music, then start telling him what turns you on and what you’d like to do with him. Men are not only visual — they love hearing sex talk too.
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