What do you do when a colleague you’re stuck with for eight hours a day is miserable, catty or conniving?
“Linda often belittles me, takes things out of context and makes me look and feel like an idiot in front of my boss. I now try to avoid her and do the work myself, even though it’s her responsibility,” laments Kim, a graphic designer.
Life and business coach Graham Le Sar, says we all need recognition from others, but that problems arise when our sense of self is lacking.
In her book, Creating We (Platinum Press), Judith Glaser says we get so caught up in wanting to impress others that we forget that working as a team achieves more than working individually. “The ability to work together interdependently is one of our least developed skills. In its absence, good leaders turn bad, good executives become ineffective, and good colleagues turn into adversaries,” she says.
“I’m more qualified than my superior and she feels threatened by me. She often presents my work and research as her own,” says sales executive, Layla. Life coach Rose Lemkus says our response to this may be to create a “toxic mushroom” around a problem, which becomes amplified by the attention we give it.
“If we focus on times when things are going well, the problem often shrinks. Trying different, positive responses might create a shift in the response your toxic colleague is accustomed to getting from you.”
Instead of expecting the “bad” colleague to resolve differences, we need to look inward too. “Some believe these people are attracted to us to allow us to recognise similar traits in ourselves and heal them,” says Le Sar.
Debbie Ford, author of The Dark Side of the Light Chasers (Riverhead Books), says we all hold good, bad and indifferent human traits. When surrounded by toxic people, we need to start within ourselves.
Tackling toxins
Le Sar’s two-fold approach:
Inside-out Be aware of feelings elicited by toxic co-workers — they’ll help you see where you need healing. Once unbalanced energies are fixed, you’ll be able to deal appropriately with toxic co-workers (when necessary) and ignore them for the most part.
Outside-in Once the inside-out issues are sorted, you’ll handle toxic co-workers better. They’ll no longer push your buttons or have the power to drive you crazy. Remember: people only have as much power over us as we give them.
Le Sar’s six-step plan to handle toxic co-workers
1. Understand their need and treat them with compassion. You don’t have to like, condone or put up with their issues, but it will help you to deal with them appropriately.
2. Understand that what they do is not personal. It’s their problem that they’re trying to deflect onto you.
3. Deal with the behaviour and not the person.
4. Accept what’s happening. Anger, denial, depression and bargaining will draw you deeper into their drama. Once you’ve accepted what’s happening, you can deal with it.
5. Change your point of view and choose to endure or ignore their behaviour. By making it your choice you take back your power.
6. You can change the circumstances by taking action to stop or deflect the impact of their behaviour. As Sun Tsu, the author of The Art of War in ancient China advised, you don’t need to defeat your enemy. Sometimes defeating the objectives of your enemy is sufficient.
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