Being sexually energised means you’re connected with your “lust for life” and are firing on all cylinders. And, you can get it outside the bedroom.
By Laura Twiggs
“I thought being ‘turned on’ meant being ready for sex. I also thought there was something wrong with me, because after six years of marriage, I was ‘turned off’,” says Busi*, 34, a Pretoria-based web developer. “Into year four, we had a three-month dry spell. Then another. And then we hit a desert. My self-esteem fell through the floor. I became withdrawn and anxious. Not having sex coloured everything.”
Sexual energy has proven power
The very best that medical science can say about sexual abstinence is that it’s harmless. But “numerous studies show that people with active sex lives have fewer heart attacks, increased stamina and a stronger immune system,” says Dr Beverly Whipple, co-author of The Science of Orgasm (Johns Hopkins University Press). Quality sexual interactions contribute towards confidence, contentment and assist with stress management,” adds Cape Town pelvic floor specialist and physiotherapist Corina Avni of pelvicfunction.co.za
When sex peters out, the fun can seem to drain out of everything. As Avni explains, “When we’re in that ‘sexual state’, we’ve entered a realm of rushing blood and dancing hormones.”
It affects singles too
No wonder, then, that women like Busi can sound a little like addicts remembering cold turkey when they talk about how life without caused them to withdraw – not only from their partners, but from life. And single women are not immune. Maria*, 29, a Cape Town spa manager, has been single for three years and has not had sex for the past two. Like Busi, she says she feels unattractive, insecure, and out of sync – with her friends, colleagues, society at large and even herself. “I knew myself as a sexual being. I don’t know this celibate ‘me’ at all. It’s just happened. I had one or two unmemorable sexual encounters that made me feel worse than no sex at all. It’s reached a point where I don’t believe anyone could want me, and I’ve given up.”
If that sounds like you, listen up. Dry spells like these aren’t actually a sex problem at all, says Johannesburg sexologist Dr Elna McIntosh. They are problems with energy.
Focus on fun, not sex
“In the Eastern approaches, the sexual centre or chakra is the centre of creativity, vitality and life force,” Dr McIntosh explains. “Shutting down this area is bigger than one’s sexuality. The orgasmic energy is pure love energy. Our sexual energy is about fun and pleasure and I believe it’s a gift, as long as it’s not used for power.” This is why having mechanical or dutiful sex won’t make you feel vital. So, just as you can have sex without sexual energy, you don’t need to be sexually active to get the sex-high buzz or to radiate its magnetic after-glow. The sex act itself is not the Open Sesame access password to experiencing Dr McIntosh’s centre of creativity, vitality and life-force. As Avni says, “The real sexiness is the attitude and energy with which one wears one’s femininity and personal power.”
Sexual energy is the kind of attention we give and receive that adds zest to life. More than anywhere else that “sexual” centre lies within ourselves. And we can activate it by exploring and giving, rather than passively waiting to be discovered and receive.
Take the first step
Dr McIntosh says the starting point is to ask, “Where is my sexual energy being channelled?” “Assess how much energy you’re putting into relationships with partner, children, extended family, career, recreational activities, etc. and what is coming back to you. Is it in balance?” This can lead to a revelation. “Many discover they’re not doing enough to nurture themselves. Women are generally socialised to care for others, where first and foremost, they should be their own lover.”
Dmitri Bilgere, author of Beyond the Blame Game (MPC Press), getting sexual energy back into your life demands taking it from a “dead energy area” (such as worrying, anxiety, shame or self-blame) and then “diverting it to put it to good use”. He suggests a new hobby, a new passion, doing something you’ve always wanted to do, and, like Dr McIntosh, he is unequivocal: “Restart your love affair with yourself”.
Use these tips to turn on your sexual energy:
Flip your sexual energy switch
Pelvic floor specialist and physiotherapist Corina Avni recommends:
• Treat your inner child to those things that make your eyes light up.
• Enrich your life with things that you enjoy doing.
• If home alone, masturbate! Find out what YOU like.
• Move. Move. Move. Then move some more. Explore your range of free, active, unrestricted and effortless movement.
• Salsa or pole dance: learn to shake those hips without inhibition.
• Do a wine-tasting or cooking class: this sensuality connects you to aspects of your physical self.
• Rediscover your child-like curiosity: ask questions, learn.
• Flirt, flirt, flirt – with anyone and everyone, but most of all, yourself.
Become your own lover
Joburg sexologist Dr Elna McIntosh suggests you look into a mirror and talk to your ideal lover, which is you. Say to yourself how you love yourself and tell yourself how you can love yourself more. Do healing work around your image. Look in the mirror on a daily basis; admire yourself and say “I love you”.
Consider also how you can make yourself feel more sensual. What things that are important to you might you neglect? Actively choose to make yourself feel more feminine, sensual and desirable, and this includes looking at your nutrition and exercise. As the saying goes, “Your body is the temple that houses your soul.” How do you care for your body?
Comments