Single-girl sex secrets

Virtually every relationship goes through a sexual dry spell. Follow these tips for better sex.

1. Don’t go all the way

“As a 30-year-old single woman with an active social life, I have to be selective about who I sleep with,” says Megan, a public relations executive in Johannesburg. “I like to wait at least a month before going ‘all the way’, but there’s a lot of fun to be had in the build up to it. All those nights of kissing, touching, and getting to know each other physically can be sexually frustrating but the eventual payoff is definitely worth it.” If you’re married (or in a long-term relationship), chances are you’ve forgotten how exciting sexual tension can be. Call a one month no-penetration period but enjoy the sensual pleasure of skin-on-skin contact, touching, tickling and kissing. You’ll feel like a hormonal teenager teeming with suppressed sexual energy in no time!

2. Be a little selfish

“The best thing about casual sex is that you can focus a hundred percent on getting what you want out of it and not feel bad about it,” says Nadia, 28. “Yes, I enjoy the intimacy of long-term relationships, but there’s something very sexy about being completely selfish in bed and I know men enjoy my attitude too.” For married women, sex can often feel like just another chore on an ever-burgeoning to-do list, but you don’t have to please your partner at the expense of your own enjoyment, says clinical sexologist Prithy Ramlachan. Remember: your orgasm is your responsibility. Taking ownership of that can transform your sex life.

3. Lose your inhibitions

“I would always choose sex with someone I love over a one-night stand, yet I find sex a lot hotter when it’s with someone I hardly know,” says Adrienne, 29. “When he doesn’t know what kind of person I am in my day-to-day life I feel like I can be whoever I want to be in bed. When he’s met my parents and seen every outfit in my wardrobe, I feel a little more inhibited.”

Of course there’s not much married couples can do to unlearn what they already know about each other, but a little role-play could help. Tell your partner you’d like to try a game that will require his best acting efforts. The two of you will meet at a bar or coffee shop and pretend it’s the first introduction. Make up a new personality and life story for yourself. Dress up and do your make-up differently. Flirt the way a single girl would and don’t break your cover, no matter what. If the two of you hit it off, take him home and let your alter ego be as outrageous as she dares!

4. Turn off the TV

It’s wonderfully comforting and cosy when you can snuggle up with your man and spend all weekend on the couch in your PJs watching 24. But it’s not particularly sexy. Single girls get out the house and make sure they’re prepared for even the remotest possibility of action between the sheets. They wear nice panties. They get their legs and bikini line waxed. They show a little cleavage. And if they bring a man home, they light candles, talk, touch, and entertain. They don’t let the television determine the evening’s progression. “Cabin fever” is a guaranteed passion killer, and we’re all at risk in the winter months. Make a point of spending time outside of the house with your man, even if it’s just for a walk around your neighbourhood, holding hands.

5. Don’t put it off

When it comes to frequency of sex, married women should have the edge. But after the initial period of wedded bliss, sex with your partner probably lost some of its lustre. Between work, chores, family, and socialising, sex often takes a back seat, but this can be dangerous territory. Sex itself is the best libido-booster, says Leandie Buys, clinical sexologist and author of Seasons of Sex (Naledi). Simply put, the less sex you have, the less sex you want. Regular orgasms keep your sex drive revved, so sometimes you may just have to talk yourself into the mood rather than wait for a wave of passion to sweep you off your feet. And yes, we know you’re tired (70 percent of respondents in Shape’s 2009 online sex survey cited ‘tiredness’ as the number one reason they don’t have more sex) but decide on how often you’d be comfortable with, then make a concerted effort to meet that target regardless of external factors.

6. Get moving

In your 20s the staff at your gym knew you by name; now that you’re married, mall-trawling is the closest you’ve come to exercise in weeks. “It’s a horrible cliché, but every time I get comfortable in a relationship, I tend to eat a little more and exercise a little less, and I inevitably put on weight,” says Carla, 30. “This makes me feel unhealthy and unattractive, and I tend to become more self-conscious about sex.” Research shows that a positive body image is an essential part of a healthy sex life, and exercise is a surefire way to bolster the way you feel about your body. It also increases blood flow to your genital area, enhancing sexual sensations. As we’ve been saying for almost 10 years now, the benefits of exercise are endless, but this particular bedroom booster is a bonus we love!