Q: My fiance and I recently moved in together but I’m finding it very tough to share my space. How do I navigate the “moving in” minefield?
A: Moving in together is a massive step — often taken too lightly. Sharing a bed is all very well, but there’s also the question of household finances (buying groceries, paying for upkeep etc), tidiness, your pets and his and yes, his dycor.
It takes a lot of commitment, communication and compromise to make a relationship work and it is always a good idea to discuss apparently mundane issues like cupboard space and tidying up before you rush into living together.
One woman I know had lived in her own house for two years before her boyfriend moved in. He became resentful because she cleared cupboard space for him in a spare room and suggested he use the second bathroom. When he suggested they move some of her clothes to make room for his in the main bedroom, she refused saying they had oodles of space so each could have their own space to bath and dress. This caused tremendous conflict. The relationship ended because he said he felt like a boarder in her house, not a partner. This could have been easily resolved had the issue been discussed before he moved in.
Remember, we are all different and have different values, expectations and norms. Little things like replacing the cap on the shampoo, squeezing the toothpaste incorrectly and not putting the toilet seat down can be blown out of proportion.
Another woman, Lisa, tells how she had her dog sleep on her bed when she was single, but when she and her boyfriend moved in together, the dog became jealous and lay between them. He would growl and snap at her boyfriend when he got too close to Lisa. This caused many arguments, but finally they compromised by getting a new puppy and teaching the older dog to sleep in the kitchen with the new addition.
Work at compromise, and at finding solutions to problems together — even drcor-related issues. A friend tells how she loathed a painting of her husband’s which he insisted on hanging next to their bed. When she complained he pointed out that it was his side of the bed and she was welcome to hang whatever she wanted on her side. Though she wasn’t happy, she couldn’t argue; this was compromise.
A less fraught way of dealing with different dncor tastes would be to redecorate. Shop for paint, curtains and bed linen together; you may not always get exactly what you want, but at least you won’t have to put up with the Spiderman duvet cover his mother gave him in high school!
Redecorating together helps make your shared space feel more like “home” and gives a greater sense of togetherness.
Share your thoughts and needs When things bother you, talk about them; don’t let resentment build up to an argument.
A partnership is about give and take Try to understand why your partner does certain things and hear his point of view. Appreciate that he places value on his possessions as much as you do on yours.
Share everything about the house — from the grocery shopping to the cooking and cleaning and budgeting. This will help to give you appreciation for what you are achieving together.
Don’t isolate yourselves Invite friends or family for a meal or have a painting party where everyone helps to renovate your new home. This allows for your friends to celebrate your commitment and share in the excitement.
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