Reach for new heights

Here’s the thing. I am, by all standards a healthy person with healthy habits. I walk slowly with the 14-year-old pooch once a day and vigorously with a friend once a day. I go to yoga once a week and do the Downward Facing Dog and Tree Pose in-between. I brush and floss as much as I should and chuck back my multi-vitamins regularly.

Nutrition-wise, while I don’t treat my body as a temple, I certainly have a healthy respect for it. In fact I think I do eat pretty much according to the Food Pyramid: wholegrains and fruit and veggies form a solid base, while those lovely cappuccino muffins and triple-chocolate brownies teeter at the peak. I can see from a glance at the pyramid that if I did not have healthy basics in place those treats would not be half as good.

Now, if the Food Pyramid is a pretty nifty way to judge how well you are doing in the kitchen how about one for the bedroomr Think of it like this: your body needs good, solid nourishment for basic survival and maintenance but that mocha-chocca-chino is the well-earned indulgence. The same with sex: if your basic needs are fulfilled there is room at the top for a whole lot more fun.

A Sex Pyramid is a brilliant indicator of how factors can impact your sex life,” says sex therapist, Dr Elna McIntosh. Look at Andrew Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pyramid, hammered home in Psychology 101, that suggests people are motivated to fulfill basic needs before moving on to other wants.
“The same theory can be applied to one’s sexual needs,” says Dr Elna McIntosh. “If one’s basic needs are not being met, you are not going to be feeling good about yourself or being orgasmic.”
It does make sense. After all if the base of Maslow’s pyramid is physiological and relates to the most fundamental of needs (food, water, shelter) and you don’t have those, it is not going to be an easy climb to the top of the pyramid (self-actualisation) where creativity and vitality sit.

So, how does this translate into your sexual needsa And how important is this hierarchy of needs?
“It is vital,” says Dr McIntosh. “I have patients coming to see me all the time. They have no libido. Sex is a chore. Yet when we start looking at their lives, they are smoking and on the Pill. You need to sort those things out first.” Fact is these women are veering towards a stroke more than orgasmic sex.
So, have some fun and see how the tiers work for you… I did.

1. Physiological
This is the bricks and mortar of your physical being. Are you getting enough sleep? Is your bed comfortable? Are you secure about contraception? And, hey, are you eating a lot of the good and only a bit of the bad? “What you eat and how much you exercise will make a difference in how much sexual pleasure you have” says Dr Macintosh. “Good sex requires good blood flow, a healthy body, and nerves that function as they should.”

Testing, testing: You know they say you never regret a swim, however cold the water? I know that, however much I don’t feel like a jog – too hot, too cold, too busy, – I know that I will feel better afterwards. I also know, on the days that I do this, my body feels more alive, And on my yoga days, I feel more sensual, more powerful after having stretched my mind and body more than normal. A day of croissants and snacking on and off followed by a heavy supper and a bar of chocolate is a nookie no-no. But a yoghurt and honey and salad day with a light pasta dinner followed by just a block (or 2) of dark chocolate makes me feel lighter and brighter and far more inclined to fare l’amore.

2. Safety in relationships
You may have a roof over your head but if you don’t feel safe within your relationship you are headed for carnal catastrophe. “Women’s libidos are affected by their physical, psychological and relationship status,” warns clinical sexologist, Dr Leandie Buys, from Port Elizabeth. “If a woman is sick, upset or in a bad relationship, her sex drive will wane.” If emotional abuse or the fear of contracting a sexually transmitted disease is a constant niggle there is little chance of you moving towards intimacy. Trust is the bottom line here. And remember, that safety here can include the security of employment, of your home and of your moral choices.

Testing, testing: I trust – and call me a fool – my partner implicitly. I know if we are at a party he is not going to linger longer than necessary in a hug with my big-breasted friends. He may look appreciatively (and I hope he does!) at something or someone that catches his eye (heaven knows I do enough of it) and this just adds to making what we have so good. I can still catch that eye that caught mine many years and know, that when we get home, it is my clothes that he will be (and will want to be) peeling off.

3. Love and belonging
If you feel loved, whether by a boyfriend, a husband or a parent you open yourself up to loving. “Love is not the result of adequate sexual satisfaction, but sexual happiness- even the knowledge of the so-called sexual technique – is the result of love,” says Erich Fromm in The Art of Loving (Unwin Paperbacks).

Testing, testing: Ah, the deep, deep comfort of the marital bed (though that’s not to say I do love the space to stretch when he is away…). This is where I can be everything I am and know that I am still loved. It’s a bit like having Snow White’s seven dwarfs and their cousins around: happy, sleepy, sexy, playful, grumpy… Each mood has a place and I know I am not going to wake up in the morning and know he has fled the next because I was not a smiley, happy, give-it-to-me baby, person last night.

4. Esteem
This is where self-esteem, confidence, achievements and respect of and by others kick in. If you are feeling lousy about yourself it can only drag you down and your sex life with it.

Testing, testing: my legs are bristly and my beige broekies look like I’m wrapped in elastoplast. A work proposal has been rejected and I lack the recognition I had when I worked in an office. I am so not in the mood. But what a difference a friend makes. She tells me she loves the way I have structured my life and it shifts my perception gear. I feel the freedom of working from home and it brings with it a lightness of being. The kids are at a sleepover so I take out those cheeky party panties; I loofah and shave and perfume. I feel good about myself and so does he. “I love your body,” he tells me later and I know he does, tummy roll, thread veins and sun-spots.

5. Self-actualisation
This is where you’re feeling you’re most fulfilled. “If you feel good about yourself it changes everything,” says Dr McIntosh. “Then you can free yourself up for creative, varied sex.” Spontaneity, acceptance and lack of prejudice means bringing in a whole new dimension to your playtime. Think quickies, new positions, think toys, think lack of constraints (but restraints if you want them!).
“Animals have sex; eroticism is exclusively human,” says psychotherapist, Esther Perel, in Mating in Captivity (Hodder & Stoughton), who defines eroticism as another form of play. “…Play, by definition is carefree and unself-conscious… Sex often remains the last arena of play where we can permit ourselves, a bridge to our childhood.”

Testing, testing:
What can I sayr My life is good and just by looking at it in terms of the pyramid I realise there is so little that I need. Want maybe, but needy No. But I do think I am going to play a little more and I am going to have a whole lot of fun finding out just what that means.