Is your relationship in a rut? Then maybe it’s time to turn up the passion.
Kate, my 30-something neighbour, spent a large chunk of her December bonus on new underwear: itsy-bitsy see-through bras and several lace-fringed thongs. Within a month she was furious with herself for wasting her cash. “I can’t throw this thong in the washing machine the way I did with my old knickers,” she grumbled, “and to be honest, it’s damn uncomfortable.”
So why did Kate buy it? Because she and her husband of 10 years, Geoff, are going through a “rough patch.” She’s bored, he plays too much golf, and they argue all the time. Kate had thought that sexy underwear might be just the thing to rekindle the frantic urgency they had felt when they first met.
Kate and Geoff are in what relationship healer, Ann Marie Woodall, calls the “zombie zone”. This is the stage in a relationship where you no longer see or care much about each other. “There is a deadness. You are stuck and tired, and you feel like you’ve been sacrificing forever. The ‘zombie zone’ is full of Roles, Rules and Duties. There is no spontaneity, magic or passion. You’re living your life like cardboard cut-outs.”
So, just the way you do crash diets, you look for that quick-fix solution that’s going to take your relationship back to headier days.
Some may, says Woodall, try the out-with-the-old-and-in-with-the-new approach, dumping long-term partners for the fresh air of a new relationship. And it might work for a while but, warns Woodall, what isn’t healed in one relationship, will come up again in the next, and the whole cycle will repeat itself.
Healing a relationship takes time, commitment and energy.
STEP ONE
Understand that if you’re hurting, it is to do with your needs. “You can only be hurt if you are trying to get something from your partner. You may be wanting love, attention, intimacy, commitment, friendship etc. But if you turn them into needs, they feel like demands, which turns into expectations your partner might find hard to fulfil.
“Just think of the times in your life when needy people have demanded or expected something from you. How do you feele Do you back off and close down Sometimes, yes.”
Even if your partner wants to give to you all your heart desires, as soon as they sense your neediness, it no longer feels good to give. They start to feel manipulated, controlled or forced to behave a certain way. “This may lead to rebelliousness or it may force them into a sacrifice situation of pleasing you to keep the peace,” Woodall warns. “This is where a ‘deadness’ swamps the relationship.” We act like victims to get our needs met; and no matter what they do to please us it’s never enough. Accept that all relationships go through stages and that every one, no matter how perfect on the outside, has ups and downs.
STEP TWO
Be introspective. Many of us rush into romance pretending to be someone we’re not. You want this relationship to work, so you do and say all the right things, even mimicking your new partner’s interests and beliefs. You’re also trying to impress, so you behave like superwoman, doing everything brilliantly.
And he, of course, is doing exactly the same.
None of this is sustainable in the long term. The real people begin to emerge. You could get lucky – or maybe not. In the worst-case scenario, says Woodall, “the love goggles that have blinded us fall away. All our partner’s quirky and annoying ways become all too visible.
“This is a sign,” says Woodall, “that the hidden beliefs we have about men/women/ relationships are coming back to be healed.” We all plunge into relationships and yet don’t really know ourselves, let alone our needs or roles. How do you think a partner could fathom you outv
In some, this is a pattern. “If you were to explore your feelings of hurt and anger a little deeper, you would discover they are not new. In fact, you may have repeated similar situations in previous relationships, as well as in your early family life.”
To heal, we have to look inward, at the expectations we’ve had and the patterns we’ve followed throughout our lives. Time to accept that maybe “our way” isn’t necessarily the only way, perhaps.
STEP THREE
“Once you become honest about your own behaviour, the next step is to discover what your needs really are now. We are constantly changing, growing, learning and sometimes we have to stop and reassess, find the authentic self,” says Woodall.
Now you can begin to work on your relationship. Communication is vital. “Talk about what is not working for you, without attaching blame or judgment. Talk about your needs, your dreams, the areas that aren’t working in the relationship, and those things you like. Don’t be too negative.
“When you both understand the path of your relationship, what is happening to you, and how normal it is, you can transform any negative situations easily and diplomatically. Recognise each others’ gifts. Understand that conflict is natural, and is only a sign showing you all the fractured places in your heart so that you can heal them and become whole.”
Woodall suggests trying the following:
n Say what you mean without saying it mean: if you’re angry, don’t blame your partner. Feel where your anger is coming from and take responsibility for it. Talk it through without shouting; be true to your concerns.
r Breathe and count to 10 before biting his head off. Your fury will dissipate enough to restore rationality to your argument.
a Accept and acknowledge each others’ strengths and weaknesses, allowing one to lead and the other to follow, but always being willing to change position. It’s about listening in order to understand, speaking in order to be understood.
l Define boundaries, and agree on what Woodall calls a “breaking state”, which ensures that an argument is interrupted when it gets too heated. Your “breaking state” is an agreed signal – such as a line from a movie – guaranteed to stop the flow of an argument.
o Think of your relationship as a bank where positive acts earn credit and negatives earn debits. Try to make at least five credits for every debit you contribute to the “account”.
To love someone from your heart takes spirit, courage and truth. It is an acceptance of the other person exactly as they are. He’ll never be Johnny Depp, so get over it. If you want love, says Woodall, give it. The same if you want respect and friendship.
As for my neighbour Kate: “The sexy underwear is just another role she’s creating for herself. It’s not her. Until she’s true to herself, her relationship with her husband won’t be healed.”
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