When you were studying or in your first job, you made friends with a group of likeminded individuals.
You shared the details of your first loves, copied each other’s lecture notes, moaned about autocratic bosses, partied at trendy dives and went backpacking together. Everyone seemed a little short of the ready.
Then you entered the real world. Inevitably some of your crowd hit the right trajectory and are now earning fortunes, others married successful men or inherited enough dough to have their cake and eat it. It’s not uncommon for women in their 30s to find themselves with friends who operate on vastly different budgets.
Take two friends who had everything in common at law school: now, 15 years later, the one who entered a prestigious law firm is reaping the benefits of that newly-porous glass ceiling; the other recently went on strike for a decent wage as a public prosecutor.
“There can be a major sense of insecurity and worthlessness associated with one person making more money,” says psychologist Barry Lubetkin in Psychology Today. Money, says relationship therapist Linda Carroll, pushes so many primitive buttons. It turns out that most of us measure our success not in terms of how much we make, but in terms of what we earn in comparison to others.
It’s possible that if you’ve faced this green-eyed monster, your envy stems from a belief that had you done things differently you could have been as well off as your friend. Well, yes. You could have sacrificed your principles and gone for the lucrative position at that firm you don’t respect/married the rich boyfriend you didn’t really love/stuck it out in your career and left your kids at home with a nanny… Are these really things to feel bad about? These are traits you should be proud of. They’re what make you, you.
And if you really wanted to leave the attorney general’s office, you probably could. If you wish you had a career, you could work towards that. It’s as easy as signing up for a course.
One little step may make you feel so much more in control of your destiny, so much happier in your own skin.
Rose, who bumps along from one pay cheque to the next, has a best friend called Sue who, at birth, had to have about six silver spoons prized from her mouth before she drew her first breath. Later she married a lovely man and popped out a matching set of stirrers to add to the family stockpile of sterling. They have their pick of holiday houses, take skiing holidays in Austria and Sue lives in the sort of gracious home Rose always dreamt of.
Yet none of this fazes Rose: “Sue’s husband is perfect for her – mine is perfect for me. Our family needs me to work and, actually, a lot of my selfworth is tied up in what I do. Our home might not be as grand as Sue’s and we don’t own it, but it’s our home and we’re very happy here.”
If your friend’s wealth is cramping your friendship, speak openly and lovingly with your friend about how the money is straining your relationship, suggests Psychology Today, taking care to emphasise that the relationship is important to you. “Don’t begrudge the other person what she has. Instead, ask how you can achieve what you want,” says Jan Yager, author of Friendshifts (selfpublished). Jealousy is natural, but use those feelings to examine your own priorities and goals.
If you’re the one earning more, be sensitive to your friend’s limitations: an expensive restaurant meal may not suit her budget.
Above all, accept and acknowledge your blessings – one of which is a great friend. As Rose says, “Our friendship works because we’ve both allowed ourselves to be happy for the other’s happiness.”
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