Here’s what you need to know to get over an A-type personality for good.
We live in a society that suggests it is possible to control almost all aspects of life. Overweight? Go on a diet. Not happy with your looks? Try plastic surgery. Boyfriend giving you problems? Trade him in for a new one.While it’s good to know you can always make changes to improve your life, it is possible to take that sense of control too far. You can’t micro-manage everything that doesn’t go your way.
Life coach Chantelle Clayton believes there is a direct link between poor self-esteem and control issues. “The lower your opinion of yourself, the more you may try to control yourself and others,” she says. People with low self-esteem may also try to control those weaker than themselves — their children, colleagues working under them, or others with low self-esteem. “This places a strain on their relationships at home and work and can alienate friends,” says clinical psychologist Eilat Aviram.
Insecure people struggle to develop and maintain close, loving relationships. Instead, they keep others at a distance, criticise or dominate them and attempt to make them feel it is they who are worthless. Aviram says fear and anxiety can also cause controlling behaviour. “Letting go of control may be a very uncomfortable, frightening feeling for someone who uses control as a way of feeling safe in the world,” she points out. Most commonly, childhood experiences cause this type of anxiety – having parents who fought, for example, can make one strive for peaceful order, often by asserting control and dominance to achieve it.
While men generally find it easier to turn controlling behaviour onto the people around them, women tend to turn it inwards. “As we are designed to be nurturers, we often notice details that men wouldn’t even be aware of,” says Clayton. “We are driven to be more, achieve more, do more — and mostly for others. We are therefore usually our own harshest critics.”
Learn to let go
- Manage self-talk. Aviram suggests saying things like: “I am safe. It is okay to trust. I choose to believe I can handle whatever comes my way, so I can let go and see what happens.” Repeat this often and reinforce with counselling or behavioural therapy.
- Count to 10 before lashing out at your partner, children or colleagues. Ask yourself whether the comment you’re about to make is a fair response or whether it’s fuelled by a need to assert yourself.
- Put yourself in unfamiliar situations that you can’t control. Learn a new language and struggle along with the others in the class, or take up a new sport and pay attention to your instructor’s methods: do you respond better to criticism or encouragementb
- Make a list of what you’re unhappy with about yourself and find positive ways to take action. Overweights Adopt a dietitian-approved eating plan or take up a form of exercise you enjoy, instead of punishing yourself with the regimen you think you should be following. Unhappy in your relationshipo Focus on changes you can make to improve things, instead of insisting that your partner change his behaviour.
- Accept that doing your best is good enough. “All you can really control in life is how hard you try and how you react to situations,” says Aviram. “If others fail you, try to understand that they may also be trying their best – not everyone can come in first, get it right or meet high expectations. Try to give yourself, and others, the benefit of the doubt.”
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