What he says…

In an informal survey conducted for the purposes of this article, every man questioned had the same first response: Women need to relax.

We’ve worked our way up in the world since the 1950s, 60s and 70s (when women reported higher levels of happiness than men), but along with our corporate careers and bigger salaries, we’ve gained greater stress and lost time for friends and family — not to mention “me-time”. As a result, many of us are operating in a tense mode of autopilot, spreading ourselves too thin in an attempt to meet our (often self-imposed) commitments. Men think we’re being too hard on ourselves, and believe that lightening up a little is the number-one thing we can do to be happier. Here’s what else they had to say.

“Stop feeling guilty”

– James, 35
Guilt is one of life’s greatest joy sappers and women are masters at it. How often does your man say “I feel so guilty” or use words such as should, must and have tos Then compare it to how often these phrases come up in your daily dealings: I really should invite the neighbours for dinner; I must do the laundry tonight, even though I have a splitting headache; I have to work late, my boss expects it of me, etc. We’re not talking about shrugging off your responsibilities, but flexibility and a touch of self-forgiveness are essential to happiness. Next time you’re beating yourself up about something you should have done, but didn’t, ask yourself what you’d tell a friend in the same position. Would you be-rate her, or advise her to go easy on herselfa Allow yourself the same respect.
“Hang out with your girlfriends — but talk about things other than relationships”

“Hang out with your girlfriends – but talk about things other than relationships”

– Jazz, 28
Happiness researchers agree that investing in friendships is vital for maintaining a sense of subjective wellbeing (the scientific term for happiness). Research from Princeton University (US) found that women socialise less today than they did 40 years ago, and this may play a role in their rising sense of dissatisfaction. At Shape, we think any time spent with friends is well invested, but be careful of being sucked into a negative pattern of meeting up to complain about your relationships. Research suggests that happiness (and unhappiness) contain a contagious element, and spending time in continually negative company may rub off on you too.

“Learn to laugh a little”

– Stuart, 34
“My ex-girlfriend and I could never agree on which DVD to rent. She was always hovering in the drama section, and vetoed every comedy I picked,” says Stuart, who believes that to boost happiness, women simply need to laugh more. Research supports his point of view and studies indicate that laughter has significant health and happiness benefits. It may also strengthen your bond with your guy, according to a study in the journal Motivation and Emotion, which found that couples who laughed together often were more satisfied with their relationships than those who didn’t. “Laughing together builds a supply of good memories,” says lead author Doris Bazzini. “You’ll call on it later, when times get tough.”

“Do sport for enjoyment, not kilojoule burning”

– Lucas, 28
We’re running from pillar to post juggling a career, social life and family, and have adopted a “no pain, no gain” attitude to exercise — it needs to be a full-on sweat session, otherwise it doesn’t warrant taking an hour out of our busy schedules. We exercise because we know we should — for our health and our waistlines — but all too often, we forget the most important part — exercise is meant to be fun. If you haven’t yet found the sport or exercise form that makes you go “Aaah…”, keep trying new things. Finding something physically challenging that you actually enjoy and want to stick to is one of the easiest ways to get a daily — or at least twice weekly — dose of happy hormones. Your man and his buddies at the football club figured this out years ago.

“Make peace with ageing”

– Anton, 39
Yes, there are exceptions, but for the most part, men accept greying hair and growing midriffs as a natural part of ageing, and they don’t set impossible body standards for themselves. Accept that there is nothing you can do to stop the ageing process, but there are a couple of preventative measures you can take now — for example you can wear sunscreen outdoors to minimise sun damage; you can eat healthily to reduce your risk for disease; and you can make time for exercise to keep yourself physically fit. Interestingly, a poll of over six million people in the US found that women chose 43 as their ideal age. By the time we hit forty, we’ve learned to appreciate and accept our body for the functions it performs — particularly its ability to grow and nurture a child — rather than setting it up against unrealistic ideals. The good newsg Research shows that despite wrinkles and sagging, happiness increases with age.

“Stop trying to do everything at once”

– Craig, 32
We pride ourselves on our ability to multi-task, but experts are concerned about the toll this takes, and have coined a term — Attention Deficit Trait — for its effect. Taking on too much at a time can sap creativity, energy and wellbeing — and often leaves you feeling dissatisfied with your results because you weren’t able to give 100 percent to any one task. Follow your guy’s example and tackle tasks sequentially, rather than simultaneously. Making a to-do list and ticking things off one at a time will leave you feeling more focused and in control.

“Spend a whole afternoon watching sport”

– Jazz, 28
Or reading a book, watching a chick flick, or just playing in the garden with your kids. According to a report in Psychology Today, a day of rest can do wonders for your happiness. “After a day of quiet, people often emerge refreshed and with new self-control. Smaller doses of solitude, even a daily few minutes of meditation or prayer, can provide spiritual recharging,” writes David Myers, author of The Pursuit of Happiness (Avon Books). Men seem to know this instinctively and spending a day on the couch flicking arbitrarily between sports channels is considered time well spent — they’ve perfected this art. We’re not condoning couch- potato behaviour, but once in a while it’s OK to slow down to a complete halt and just enjoy being, not doing.

“Make time for sex, and be open to quickies”

– James, 35
Who is more likely to turn down sex — you or himn According to research at the Kinsey Institute in the US, women today are having less sex than women in the 1950s. Thirty percent of women in SA have sex once a week, and 36 percent report having sex a few times a week — but 45 percent say that they’re unhappy with the frequency of sex, according to the latest Health24 Sex Survey. Having sex more often is a big happiness booster, thanks to the flood of happy hormones orgasms unleash in the body — and it doesn’t matter if it took you an hour to get there or a five-minute quickie.