Here’s how to cope with the guilt of leaving the kids behind
As a mother your priority is your children, always. You want to see them happy and provided for, but are aware that unless your own needs are met, your frustration could lead to poor relationships with your child and your partner. For most women, career success is achieved in their early 30s, which often coincides with the age they start having children.
They are faced with a very tough decision; leave a tremendously satisfying career and an income (almost impossible given current economic trends) or leave baby with a stranger. One may leave you frustrated and dissatisfied, the other wracked with guilt.
When guilt consumes you “I was fortunate enough to stay at home with my first-born, Caitlin, for the first 18 months. I went back to work for financial reasons but couldn’t get used to leaving my daughter behind.
I started obsessing by spending every moment (when not working) with her; to the extent that we hardly socialised,” explains accountant Viyonne Williams. “My way of compensating was to buy her gifts, although I had no intention of raising a spoilt child, I just couldn’t help myself.”
“Guilt is one of the more destructive negative emotions as it has so many consequences,” says clinical psychologist, Aneta Shaw. “A guilty working mom is at risk of manifesting inappropriate overcompensating behaviours just so that she can feel better, including excessive gifts, promises of holidays and giving in to unreasonable demands.” Shaw suggests making time for a relationship with your child, as opposed to buying their love. If you have more than one child, spend time with them as individuals. It need not be much to reap benefits; little household rituals, or a walk, can do the trick.
Flexi-time benefits working single mom, Kirsten Alberts, says that she feels guilt at not seeing her children every day (she shares custody with her ex-husband), guilt for them having to be in aftercare, and guilt for spending time out and dating again. “What has made a huge difference now is the fact that I have a flexible-hours position which allows me to be at home when I have a sick child. I can come in later or leave earlier for doctor’s appointments or school events – all without extra guilt about my job.
What is most empowering is when your employer views you as an asset and allows you responsibility, a degree of independence and thus flexibility. You both acknowledge your responsibilities and it is understood that they’ll be balanced and met.”
Strike a compromise, like fashion buyer Claire Oliver did. “After three weeks of maternity leave I was finding being cooped up indoors all day, very hard. I told my boss that although I would like to return to work, I would feel too guilty coming back on a full-time basis. So we made an arrangement that suited us both: I worked half days for the remainder of my four months maternity leave. I also hired a brilliant nanny.” Claire says that over time, the initial guilt has subsided mainly due to her daughter’s happiness. “If you feel torn about having to work for financial reasons, you may resent your partner or blame yourself,” says Shaw.
“The child picks up on these negative emotions and begins to feel neglected, even if it’s not the case.” Your partner may feel inadequate as a provider, which creates a covert tension between you, leading to disconnection. It is far better to express and process your feelings and to then let them go. Familiarise yourself with your child’s teachers and ask for details about your baby’s behaviour from the day mother.
Keep a diary of your child’s milestones. All mothers do these things; the working mom just has to plan better to make them happen. Your own needs are important too; they should not be ignored.
Be informed Know your maternity rights. In terms of the Basic Conditions of Employment Act 75 of 1997, all fulltime employees are entitled to four months’ consecutive maternity leave, which can be taken from four weeks before the expected due date. No employee may work for six weeks after the birth, unless a medical practitioner says that she is fit to do so.
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