Like fashion, slang and hairstyles, the do’s and don’ts of dating are constantly evolving.
Back in the mid-90s Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider’s book The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right (HarperCollins) spewed such wisdom such as “Never accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday”, “Don’t tell him what to do”, and “Rarely return his calls”.
Thankfully the playing field has changed considerably since then, and women are now free to do things “Rules Girls” would never dream of. But according to the lads, there are still a couple of subtle ways to win him over on that crucial first date…
1. OPEN UP “A first date should be about getting to know each other, so I like it if she’s open and tells me about herself. But she doesn’t need to spill all the beans previous boyfriends and emotional baggage are not ideal first date conversation starters,” says Sander, a 27-year-old guitarist.
2. TAKE A BREATHER TO LISTEN “Non-stop talking is boring, and conversation should always be two-way,” says TV producer Andy, 32.
3. DON’T BE TOO SERIOUS “Stick to hobbies, sport, holidays, recent activities and travel on the first date. Work and family can be saved for the second or third date. And we can get to marriage, wanting children, and ex-boyfriends way down the line,” says Tony, 33, technical sales consultant.
4. BE SELECTIVE ABOUT THE INFORMATION YOU SHARE “I went on a blind date once and the girl started talking about her pet duck, two rabbits, hamster and poodle. I left before she could start naming her Care Bear collection,” says David, 28, writer.
5. KEEP IT LIGHT “First dates should be fun, so be excited, open minded, and expect the unexpected. Bad weather, bad service, or bad linguini really shouldn’t spoil the evening,” says Andy.
6. BE YOURSELF “I look for honesty, a warm manner, and a sense of humour. Someone with different interests who is outspoken, cheeky, sporty, and intelligent,” says Nick, 27, marketing manager. Pretending to be something you’re not will leave you feeling uncomfortable and phoney and even if everything goes well, he’s bound to discover the real you sooner or later.
7. KEEP IT NATURAL “The ideal first date outfit should be feminine and elegant but nothing too over the top or too sexy,” says Philip, 29, PR account manager. “Grooming in terms of hair, nails, and minimal make-up can be more important than what you’re wearing so making an effort in that department usually helps.”
8. ALL IN THE NOSE “Go easy on the perfume overdoing it can be a turn-off,” says Peter, 33, a business owner. Besides, on a biological level he’s trying to sniff out your pheromones to figure out if the two of you are compatible, so you don’t want to mask these completely in Chanel.
9. DON’T KEEP HIM WAITING “A little of that girl stuff women do for dates is great, but please don’t try on every dress in your wardrobe or spend ages in the bathroom doing your hair and make-up while we wait,” says Sander.
10. SHOW OFF YOUR ASSETS “Figure-hugging dresses and skirts are always feminine and sexy, and showing off some neckline is nice too,” says Mal, 33, an electronics engineer. “Avoid baggy, shapeless clothing and don’t go overboard with the jewellery. A simple necklace or earrings are best.”
11. BE CONFIDENT “Confidence is a great attractor, so try to find your inner down-to-earth-I-like-who-I-am woman and put this message across,” says Andy. This does not mean you need to spend all night telling him how much you like yourself, but rather that you’re comfortable in your clothing, conversation, and attitude.
12. DON’T BE TOO FUSSY ABOUT WHAT YOU ORDER “Don’t take forever to decide what to order, and don’t confuse the waiter with a whole bunch of changes to the dish on the menu,” says Mal. Other than that it doesn’t really seem to matter what you order, although dishes such as spaghetti bolognaise or sushi can be difficult to eat with poise.
13. ETIQUETTE COUNTS “Table manners are very important,” says Peter. “I want to know if you’re the kind of girl I can take home to meet my mother and grandmother and if you don’t have proper table manners, you’re probably not it.”
14. SWITCH YOUR PHONE OFF “If the cellphone comes out even once I say cheers,” says David. If you really are expecting an important call, warn him beforehand.
15. PLAYING HARD TO GET? “A bit of a ‘chase’ in the beginning can be quite fun,” Nick says, “but if you feel a real connection and it seems to be mutual, don’t play mind games.”
16. PUT YOUR BEST FEET FORWARD “I always look at the shoes,” says David. “Flip-flops cool, those flat-soled things women wear very cute. Wedges out, dodgy high heels out, and Jesus-type sandals out! Cowboy boots with a skirt? Grrrrr.”
17. MIND YOUR GAZE “Don’t check out other guys even if you’ve realised there’s no future for us,” says Mal. “We know you wouldn’t like it if we gave every woman in the restaurant the once-over, so show us the same courtesy please.”
18. QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD “Don’t let us order the second bottle of wine, no matter how well the evening is going,” Andy says. Too much alcohol is likely to cause you both to share more than you intended, and probably more than you want to deal with on the first date.
19. GOING DUTCH “Don’t order the most expensive food and wine on the menu and then blatantly expect him to pay,” says Tony, as this can leave him wondering about your motives. “But that said, you can also skip the backwards and forwards ‘I’ll pay’ no ‘I’ll pay’ game because it gets annoying. Offer once, and if he says no just leave it at that.”
20. CALL IT A NIGHT All but one of the men interviewed said that going home with him on the first date is a no-no if you’re looking for relationship potential. “By taking things slowly at first she shows that she has self-respect. And it leaves you with lots for the imagination so you’ll definitely be coming back for more,” says Philip.
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