Most of us – whether we’re in our 20 or 80s – enjoy a healthy sex life. But sometimes we struggle with performance issues or lack of desire. According to a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine in which 1550 sexually active women were interviewed, 43 percent reported low desire, 39 percent said they had problems with vaginal dryness, and 34 percent said they were unable to reach orgasm.
On the other end of the spectrum, researchers found that while sexual activity declines somewhat with age, many women (and men) are enjoying sex well into their 60s, 70s and 80s. So why aren’t you sizzling with desireh Firstly, rule out health problems. A sluggish sex life may have more to do with physical or emotional problems than with age, says Dr Stacy Lindau, an assistant professor of obstetrics and gynaecology, and lead author of the study.
Diabetes, thyroid disease, anaemia, childbirth, menopause, hysterectomy, and any medical problems that affect the sex hormones oestrogen or testosterone can all result in a decreased sex drive. So can stress, depression, anxiety and other emotional problems.
A regular sex life is an integral part of any healthy, loving relationship, but moods and circumstances can get in the way. To help you keep your appetite robust, we look at six reasons women don’t want to have sex and offer ways to deal with them.
Reason 1: LACK OF DESIRE
For some couples, life gets in the way of sex, and before you know it, months go by without any activity. A low sex drive may be the body’s response to a lack of sex, says Lindau. Fortunately reheating a tepid sex life is simple and fun.
Have more sex
If you have an active partner, the most natural way to reclaim your sexual desire is simply to start having sex. Make dates for it, if you have to. It may feel forced at first, but as you carve out time for intimacy, it will feel more spontaneous.
Create a mood
As you make an effort to build your appetite, find ways to be romantic. Give each other massages or go out for a candlelit dinner.
Stay connected
Angela Engelbrecht says that staying connected in subtle ways like holding hands has made her sex life better, even after years of marriage. “There’s less pressure to perform well and often and I know that small acts like giving each other a back rub will naturally lead to sex.”
Sex life basics
What’s normal/ A healthy sex life is whatever is considered satisfying to the individual or couple, says Joan Concannon, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Conflict can arise when one partner is asked to change his or her individual preference to accommodate the other’s desire. There is no magic number of times in a week that determines satisfaction. When your sex life fosters a healthy loving relationship, that is magic.
Why it matters
For couples, a healthy sex life promotes bonding, closeness, and trust.
Potential problems
A low sex drive can be caused by physical conditions such as diabetes, thyroid disease, anaemia, childbirth, menopause, hysterectomy, and medical problems that affect sex hormones. Other causes include stress, depression, anxiety, and other emotional problems, or any combination of these factors.
Reason 2: FEELING SLUGGISH AND OVERWEIGHT
Carrying too many kilos not only affects your self-esteem, it can also thrown your hormones out of whack. “Extra fat can produce excess oestrogen, which imbalances your hormones and triggers mood swings, and can lead to diminished sexual desire,” says Susan Lark, author of Dr Susan Lark’s Hormone Revolution (Portola Press, 2007). Changing eating and exercise habits can correct that and help restore desire.
Start exercising
Physical activity improves sexual function because it helps lift and sustain energy levels; it also increases blood flow to the genitals, increasing your capacity for sexual arousal.
Devote time to yourself
Before she had children, Sandy Botha, enjoyed sex with her husband at least three times a week. But with each birth, she found herself less and less interested, until they had no sex life at all. “After my third child, I was 9kg overweight,” she recalls. “Sex was the last thing I wanted.” A friend suggested Sandy try yoga as a way of doing something that was just for her. “Almost immediately, parts of my body felt as if they were awakening from a deep sleep,” she recalls. “I felt sexy again.” She started initiating sex with her husband, and they soon returned to their three-times-a-week routine.
Change your diet
“Stick to lean sources of protein like seafood and poultry and use rice and soy substitutes instead of red meats and dairy products, which elevate oestrogen levels in the blood,” says Lark, adding that soy foods and ground flax seeds help reduce oestrogen production, and a high-fibre diet helps eliminate oestrogens so they’re not recycled back into the bloodstream. Avoid foods high in fat and low in fibre: they block the elimination of oestrogen from the body,” says Lark.
Reason 3:LACK OF SENSATION
If sex doesn’t carry the same physical charge it once did, the problem could be with your pelvic muscles. They tend to lose tone after pregnancy and with ageing, resulting in diminished sexual pleasure. Pelvic exercises can ease the problem.
Do kegels to tone up
Similar to ancient Hatha Yoga exercises known as Aswini Mudra, kegel exercises are merely repeated contractions of vaginal muscles, as if you’re holding in urine until you get to the bathroom, then releasing. To do them, focus on the vaginal muscles without tightening your buttock or thigh muscles, and be sure your bladder is empty. Experts recommend 10 sets of kegels at least three times a day.
Reclaim your body
After being married for 43 years and taking care of her ailing husband before he passed away four years ago, Pat Oakley, a massage therapist, starting tuning into her body again, especially after a former boyfriend called. “I started doing kegel exercises and self-pleasuring more often,” she recalls. “By the time I actually went out with him, I was ready for sex!”
Reason 4:INTERCOURSE IS UNCOMFORTABLE
Vaginal dryness is common among women of all ages, although it can worsen with age. The first step is to find out what’s causing it, says women’s health expert, Donnica Moore, It can be a problem if you have undergone chemotherapy, says Moore, or take birth control pills or a range of other medications. Vaginal dryness is most common during times of hormonal imbalances – which can occur during menopause, after childbirth, while nursing, or due to stress and smoking. If you only notice dryness during acts of intimacy, says Moore, the problem is more likely related to your sex life. Go without sex for too long and your body may stop producing its own natural moisture.
Use lubricants
A good quality lubricant can do wonders for a sex life that’s dried up but you may need to try a few to find one that suits you best.
Shop around
The beauty of modern lubricants is that many of them encourage foreplay as it is suggested that they’re applied by your partner, and not by you. Try … If you’re an all-organic or nothing kind of woman.
Reason 5:FEAR OF INTIMACY
When a deep emotional connection exists between two people, sex comes more easily. But when that connection is missing, if you’re self-conscious, or you find a particular type of physical intimacy intimidating, a treatment like massage or acupressure can allow you to receive touch in a safe, non-threatening environment and help you feel more comfortable with your body. That, in turn, may put you in a better place to receive and give touch in your own personal relationships.
Get a massage
A good rub down not only helps you reconnect with your body and heighten sexual awareness, it can also help alleviate tension that might be interfering with your ability to ‘relax and get in the mood,’ says Oakley. Many people find relief in just one session, she adds, but regular massages can help maintain a sense of wellbeing and body acceptance that is conducive to feeling sensual.
Reason 6: HORMONAL STRESS
“Any time you go through a life change, from puberty and pregnancy to peri-and postmenopause, your hormones can get agitated,” says Lark. When hormonal stress takes the sizzle out of sex, it’s time to carve out space for your self.
Try a mind-body activity
“A calming activity like yoga helps soothe the mind and body when hormonal fluctuations contribute to your diminishing sex drive,” says yoga teacher Ann Burrus. Focuses on poses like forward bends and twists that stimulate the glands and help regulate hormones in your body.”
For the lighter side of sex we asked readers for some of their most embarassing sex stories
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