Q: I love having sex with my partner but I seem to want it more than he does. What’s going wrong with our relationship?
A: Desire discrepancy is perhaps the most common sexual problem I see in my practice. Traditionally, it used to be the man who wanted more sex than his partner, but nowadays I often see the reverse.
It is important to understand that no two people have the same desires. One will always be the instigator and the other, the willing (or unwilling) participant. Just as no two people are always happy to order the same dish in a restaurant, our sexual appetites are different.
The difficulty for the male is that he has to be able to get an erection to perform and some men feel pressured to be “ready and able” to perform all the time. This “performance anxiety” can lead to erectile dysfunction.
They then feel like failures and are embarrassed to discuss this with their partner. So they resort to avoiding sex and even go so far as to pick an argument at bedtime or get drunk so as to have an excuse as to why they can’t perform. Thankfully, there is medication like Levitra, Cialis and Viagra that can help men overcome this performance anxiety.
Stress and depression can damage sexual desire. When he is preoccupied with work or is worried about something, he naturally won’t have his normal libido. You need to be a little understanding in the short term, but if he lacks desire for a long time, it is worth suggesting a medical appointment. He needs to tell his doctor all of his symptoms and perhaps have tests for diabetes, cholesterol, testosterone as well as an assessment for depression.
Some medication (including anti-depressants, blood pressure tablets and tranquillisers) can affect libido. Ask your doctor to change the medication if the package insert lists desire/sexual disorders as one of the side effects.
Practical tips to help with libido imbalances:
Communicate Women often blame themselves by thinking they are too fat/thin or that they are not desirable when the problem likely lies with their partner. Tell him that you’d like more sex and that you feel unloved/rejected/inadequate if he doesn’t want to make love. Ask him to tell you how he feels about you and your desire for intimacy. Reassure him that you love him and want to resolve any problems.
Stop blaming each other for your sex drive (or lack thereof) Everyone has a different libido and sometimes you need to compromise.
Keep “in touch” Use non-sexual touch, like massage, cuddling and caressing to create intimacy — even without lovemaking. Often what starts off as non-sexual touch will stoke the fires of desire and lead to sex. In this way, he will be willing to start love-making from a sexually neutral position.
Self pleasure There is nothing wrong with masturbating in (or out of) a relationship. Most women masturbate on average about once a week and there are hundreds of vibrators and toys designed for this purpose. Some men enjoy watching their partner masturbating but if you are uncomfortable being watched, reserve this pleasure for yourself. Give yourself time to learn what feels good and enjoy the sensations.
Remember, a desire discrepancy is often masked at the beginning of a relationship and only becomes evident after a few years. Also, men reach their sexual peak in their teens whereas women only reach their peak in their late 30s and 40s. You deserve a great sex life! Work at getting one.
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