Q: My boyfriend and I argue quite a lot while my best friend and her husband never argue at all! Is arguing normal in a relationship or does it mean my boyfriend and I are unsuited?
A: Arguments are inevitable in every relationship, though it’s wise to remember that the real purpose of arguing is to come to an agreement, and not simply argue for the sake of it.
Here are some tips for arguing that will aim to get you to a position of agreement without degrading the relationship:
Argue in the present. Try to resolve the problem at hand without bringing up old hurts. It serves no purpose to rehash old arguments when you are upset. Deal with today’s issue only.
Leave out words like “you never…” or “you always…” and avoid insults. Insulting someone leads to feelings of rejection and of being unloved, which will bring retaliation and escalate the fight. Rather say things like, “I appreciate you but I am upset that you did/said this and it made me feel sad/worthless/anxious/angry…”
Listen to what is being said and don’t steamroller the conversation. Try not to interrupt the other person and try to see their point of view. If you are unclear about something, reflect back what they have said by saying. “So you are saying that…”
We tend not to listen with both ears when arguing, formulating our reply rather than hearing what the other person is saying. Listen to the words, but also to the deeper, non-verbal clues your partner is giving. Listen to the wants and needs beneath the words.
Try to avoid screaming at one another; it serves no purpose and just makes you both more angry. Loudness equals powerlessness! It says “I am not being heard so I have to shout”.
Don’t make threats or become physical by throwing things or hitting out. If one of you gets out of control it usually means they are feeling cornered or threatened. Have safeguards should the argument become overheated. Walk away or take a “time out” to reflect and calm down. If you find it difficult to speak your mind or are being steam-rollered, use this time to write down how you feel. Even if this simply allows you to recognise your emotions; it is a valuable tool.
Differentiate between being wronged and being in a bad mood or stressed. Tell your partner you are in a bad space and that you need time to unwind and reflect.
Men often feel the need to help you sort your problems, instead of just listening. Tell him you simply want someone to listen and be supportive — or call a female friend and tell her how you feel. Women are better at just listening without trying to solve your problems.
Don’t stay silent when something is bothering you. Silence builds resentment and allows your anger to fester and grow.
Don’t hold grudges or stay angry. When the argument is over, kiss and make up and move on. Learn to compromise and forgive. If you can’t “fight the good fight” get professional counselling or couples’ therapy to help you resolve your issues.
The do’s and don’ts of arguing:
Don’t
be ashamed of your anger
call in the heavy artillery
air your dirty linen in public
paint yourself into a corner
retreat into yourself
keep a chip on your shoulder
use sex as a weapon
Do
learn to say “I’m sorry”
learn from past experiences
learn to forgive and forget
move on
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