Being in a long-term relationship that breaks up leaves you very vulnerable. In fact, they say that losing a partner in a break-up is equivalent to the grief of him dying.
Some people will go through a typical mourning period and allowing yourself to grieve is good. In fact, some relationship experts suggest it takes one month to heal for every year of the relationship.
Expect to go through typical phases of grief: denial, depression, guilt (where you play tapes in your mind and think how you could have done things differently), and finally resolution. It is healthy to analyse what went wrong and it is normal to feel regret and hurt.
Unfortunately, some women jump straight into another relationship to try to suppress their feelings and feel better. This may be dangerous because they may not be thinking clearly about what is best for them, and are simply grateful that someone else wants them (they may even want to prove to their ex that they are desirable.) Some may also drink more or take drugs to help them cope.
It happens that women may spend their time, thoughts and energy on their past love while going through the motions with a new partner, but be aware that we probably don’t have the best judgment at this time and may jump into a commitment before we’re ready.
Devastated when her fianci walked out on her after three years, 32-year-old Pam fell into a relationship with another man several months later “because he made me feel good about myself again”. She says her fianch’s unexpected departure had left her feeling unattractive and undesirable, and when this new man came into her life he said and did all the right things to make her feel fabulous again. Yet within months she realised the relationship would never culminate in the marriage and children she longed for.
“I saw all my friends getting married around me and having children, but my man had lots of baggage from his previous marriage and simply wasn’t interested in that kind of commitment again.” Five years later she’s still with him — on his terms — and though desperate to find a husband and have kids she doesn’t have the strength to walk out. “I guess I’m afraid to be alone again,” she says.
It is also true that many women find themselves involved with a man who is himself on the rebound and is using his new relationship to make him feel better. Once he’s back on track though, chances are he’ll dump his new love.
It is devastating to realise that you have been used in this way and I have seen many women who tell me that they responded to a hurting man and gave themselves completely to help him, only to be discarded when he was out of his depression.
“When I met Jason, he was separated from his wife and three months later they were divorced. I hoped this would open the way for us to get married one day but one year later, totally out of the blue, he told me he no longer loved me and was emigrating. It took me four years to get over him,” says Jackie, who is now happily married to another wonderful man. “At the time I thought my world had come to an end but when I look at the very special man I am married to now, I thank my lucky stars things worked out the way they did.”
All relationships are difficult. Try to be honest about your feelings and do what is best for you in the long term. Recognise your relationship for what it is and if it isn’t giving you what you need but you don’t have the strength to move on alone, get help from a therapist.
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