Q: My partner never helps with household chores. We both work full-time, yet when we get home he watches TV while I cook, do the washing etc. How do I get him more involved?
A: Unfortunately, thanks to inexpensive domestic help and over-indulgent mothers, the South African man who willingly jumps in to do his share of the chores is a rare creature indeed.
I constantly hear women complaining that their partners do little or nothing around the house; women who become exhausted, resentful and angry because they have to work a full-time job, then go home to chores while their partners relax and watch TV or go to the pub to unwind. It is worse when there are children to fetch, bath and feed.
In the US, the Pew Survey on Marital and Family Relationships (2007) showed that 62% of couples believed sharing chores was one of the top three keys to a successful relationship (behind faithfulness and a happy sex life). There is little hired help in the US and children are brought up helping with household chores, therefore boys get used to cleaning up, making beds, and helping in the kitchen.
In South Africa, many families have had the luxury of domestic help and boys have been sheltered from the reality of housework.
If your man is a sofa slouch, how do you get him to start helping? How do you get him to understand that he is to share the grocery shopping, the cooking and cleaning up?
An informal survey amongst my patients, friends and family came up with some surprising results. Most men, when asked, said they would gladly help if they knew what was wanted. If they were asked specifics like “buy dog food and a particular brand of cereal” or “make a salad with lettuce, tomato, cucumber, feta and olives” they would happily do it.
They said they often felt “in the way” in the kitchen; that women do things so well they feel they’re not needed.
Some men believed their wives would feel challenged if they offered to do anything around the house outside of DIY or gardening. The women, however, believed men to be lazy, useless at grocery shopping, and too messy in the kitchen when cooking. Some women said they’d given up nagging their partners to help and would rather do it themselves to avoid an argument.
How to get him to do more
Ask for specific help. Say things like, “Please help me change the duvet cover with this one,” or SMS him a list of what you need for supper but be specific.or example: “Please go to Woolworths on your way home and buy a pack of mince, a tin of chopped tomatoes, a packet of spaghetti and a litre of low-fat milk. Love you lots!” Praise him and thank him; positive reinforcement will encourage him to want to do more.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed with things to do, sit him down and tell him how you’re feeling. Suggest ways he could help, for example, bath the kids, get a take-away or wash the dishes.
Get the children involved, let one set the table with Dad’s help, and let Dad teach them how to change a light bulb.
Attend a cooking course together. Get him interested in a specific dish, eg sushi making or fresh pasta. Let him know how proud you are of him.
Tell him the more he helps, the less tired you’ll be and maybe you’ll have more energy to get intimate with him!
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