Love and marriage, like that proverbial horse and carriage, don’t always go along together as perfectly as we’d like.
All too often they end up upside down with the wheels spinning and the horse flailing for balance. South African divorce statistics are alarming. According to the Family and Marriage Association of SA (FAMSA), one in two marriages officially disintegrate. Despite this rather daunting statistic and the reality of broken marriages all around us, young women the world over still dream of their perfect “special day”.
But do they really know how to make the lifelong commitment that comes after the dress has been hung up, the wedding cake’s been eaten and the flowers have died We seek a steady, reliable anchor in our partner, says psychotherapist Esther Perel and author of Mating in Captivity (Hodder & Stoughton).
“Yet at the same time we expect love to offer a transcendent experience that will allow us to soar beyond our ordinary lives. The challenge for modern couples lies in reconciling the need for what’s safe and predictable with the wish to pursue what’s exciting, mysterious, and awe-inspiring.”
It’s time to assess what we really believe about marriage.
MYTH 1: ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE
Vicky Shaw from Pretoria speaks with the wisdom of hindsight — she’s divorced once and married twice. “Love can be fickle and, without friendship, respect and, mostly, compatibility, it is not enough to see a marriage through the rocky times we all experience. Before I fell in love with my (second) husband we had an easy and relaxed friendship. We understood each other as people. Then came the love that cemented the partnership. With love came compassion, tender times and hot moments filled with passion! You need passion in a marriage — for each other, for life. It’s what keeps the sparks alight.”
Clinical sexologist Leandie Buys warns that falling in love may be easy, but just like your house or your car, love needs maintenance. “It is normal for the honeymoon feeling to fade, but that doesn’t mean you’ve fallen out of love or have made the wrong choice of person. Have you ever had a silver tea set or silver cutleryd Have you noticed how it gets tarnished if you don’t polish ite Love is like that. You can make it bright and shiny again, with just a bit of effort.”
The bottom line: Marriage is a partner-ship based on friendship, shared values, respect, trust and compassion, and love. It requires continual nurturing. Being comfortable with each other doesn’t mean you no longer have to make an effort.
MYTH 2: WE ARE AS ONE
Pierre and Tess Greene from Hermanus do everything together — from exercising and shopping to watching movies. He knows where she is all the time, and vice versa. They tell each other everything about their day-to-day lives, yet seldom have a meaningful conversation. And the resentment is starting to show. “There are no surprises anymore,” says Tess. “It’s as if we are living the same lives.”
The trick here is to choose what you share with whom. “Every friend satisfies a particular need and therefore we need a variety of friends to satisfy our needs,” says clinical psychologist Lynette Minnaar, who is based in Port Elizabeth. “You will, for example, share your bedroom secrets with one friend, but with another friend you’ll share more superficial stuff.”
It should be the same with your partner. Minnaar says that you don’t need to share all the intimate details of your life with your partner, because sometimes it can damage the relationship. “You need to distinguish between what is beneficial and what is not.”
Another danger is that this behaviour can minimise the need for other people in your life. “Your partner becomes your alpha and omega, which leads to him becoming your oxygen in life.” The resulta When there’s discord or a break-up, you feel as if you’re dying as your oxygen has been sucked away. Dependence on any one person is not healthy.
The bottom line: Retain your interests and some independence — you’ll find each other far more exciting this way. Unsure what to sharec When in doubt, leave it out.
MYTH 3: CHILDREN BOOST A BOND
Many couples underestimate the impact of a child in their relationship. The change from “couple” to “family” is profound and not without risk. “Having a baby is a psychological revolution that changes our relation to almost everything and everyone, from our sense of self and identity to our relations with our partners, friends, parents and in-laws,” says Perel.
For Laura Tirrel from Langebaan, this was a frightening revelation. “I remember feeling bizarrely jealous of the love Rob lavished on our baby when she was born. I was left with a ‘what about mea’ feeling.”
The couple managed to work through the emotions that go with a new family dynamic, but for many, especially if the foundations are on shifting sand, the marriage structure will collapse. “A child will never rescue an already fragile relationship; it just accentuates the underlying problems,” warns Minnaar. It’s the parents’ responsibility to make time for each other amongst the washing, feeding and sleeping schedules, and appointments.
The bottom line: Plan children carefully, first giving attention to any areas of concern in your marriage. You’ll need to be strong and unified before a baby brings stress and change to your relationship.
MYTH 4: FIDELITY IS EASIER WHEN YOU’RE MARRIED
Many couples expect they’ll automatically “forsake all others” in thought and deed after taking those vows. The truth is, we’re still the same people, and we’re still going to find men other than our husbands attractive from time to time.
We also know that the butterflies of falling in love don’t last forever, and are eventually replaced with something deeper and more meaningful. The mistake lies in trying to find that spontaneous desire elsewhere, and blaming your spouse for your dissatisfaction.
“Extramarital fulfilment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious,” says Buys. Perel says that at the boundary of every couple lives the third: the childhood sweetheart, the charming estate agent, the flirtatious colleague.
The answer to marital dissatisfaction doesn’t lie outside the boundaries of marriage, rather, it lies within, suggests Buys. “I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And temporarily you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later. Because the key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found.”
The words of philosopher Marcel Proust come to mind: “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.”
The bottom line: Work at your marriage and renew your appreciation and love for your husband. Remind yourself of all the things you love about him. And tell him.
MYTH 5: YOU CREATE YOUR OWN LEGACY
Many parents believe they can ignore their own childhoods in their parenting. Inge Elliot was raised in a small, conservative family with strong European ties, and her husband Nick’s family were farmers. He grew up wild and free with cousins and friends spilling in and out the house. It was a hugely alluring combination of attitudes until Inge realised the more tightly-bound, organised, Germanic influence of her childhood was spreading its reach into her marriage. She was at odds with the relative chaos of her husband’s way of life and struggled to link her traditions and parenting attitudes with his.
“I had to work at the realisation that I was definitely influenced by my childhood,” she says. “The legacy we leave behind for our children and their children is just as important as day-to-day parenting. It just sometimes comes with a bit of compromise!” Minnaar adds that we have the ability to learn from our parents’ example, mistakes and all.
The bottom line: Accept that you come to parenthood with deeply entrenched perceptions and attitudes. Explore these and decide which ones are useful and beneficial, and which ones you’ll ditch.
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