Thinking about using a more modern approach to dating? Here’s what you need to know about how technology has shaped the way we date…
So you’ve been introduced to every available guy in your friends’ various social circles. You’ve let your dentist’s receptionist set you up with her recently divorced nephew. And you’ve tried to strike up witty banter with men in supermarket queues, but it’s not quite as easy as it seems in movies. For Michelle Williams, 28, developing a relationship online was an exciting, but slow, process. Eighteen months ago she was enjoying the Facebook “honeymoon phase”, and had reconnected with several friends from primary school. One of these was James, who had moved away from her town when they were 13 and she hadn’t heard from him since.
“I was so excited to find him after so many years, and in the first few weeks we sent each other a couple of messages a day. There was so much to catch up on since we last saw each other, and I loved how he remembered so many little details about me, like apparently I was always singing the ‘Shoop-shoop song’.
“I never thought of it as anything romantic, because he lived in the UK, and I was in a relationship at the time. But when that ended several months later, our e-mailing took a new direction. James admitted that he’d had a crush on me at school and that some of his feelings had resurfaced even though he was in a relationship too. I assumed that it was probably just a bit of an escapist fantasy for him and that his e-mails would slow down eventually. But they didn’t.
“We talked about anything and everything, from favourite foods and music, to our hopes and dreams for the future. We had so much in common and convinced ourselves that this reconnection was ‘meant to be’. I invited him to visit me in Cape Town and he booked his ticket that day. For three weeks we built up anticipation about seeing each other, but unfortunately things weren’t nearly as easy as we had expected.
“I picked him up at the airport and didn’t feel the ‘sparks’ I was hoping for. I had seen photos and found him attractive, but thinking someone is good looking on paper is no indication of whether or not you’ll experience attraction in person. Worse still was that suddenly we didn’t seem to have all that much in common after all.
“After about 15 minutes of chitchat, we both became quiet and didn’t know what to say to each other. Conversation on e-mail had been so much easier, and because we had already talked about so many things it almost seemed like there was nothing left to say. I felt that I knew him well in terms of his likes, dislikes, ambitions and so on, but I didn’t know his moods, and body language and they seemed to be at odds with the image of him I’d created in my mind.
“He was also a lot more reserved than he had come across on e-mail, and seemed to struggle socially. He hardly ever smiled, which is not the kind of thing you ask someone about in a getting-to-know-you e-mail, but can be quite disconcerting when you’re trying to get to know each other in person. I also found myself getting annoyed with his monotonous tone of voice and slow way of doing things.
“I was probably a lot harder on him than I would have been in a normal dating situation because I had built up such high expectations. When he turned out to be quite different from what I’d imagined, I didn’t know how to handle the situation.
It was a huge disappointment for both of us, and after five very strained days he sat me down and asked if we could talk about it. We finally opened up to each other and decided that we should at least try to have fun together, even though things had not turned out the way we’d hoped. The funny thing is that once we put our romantic expectations aside, we started having a good time and for the first time I felt the connection we’d shared on e-mail in real life.
This might have been because we had built up five days worth of shared memories which helped to ‘normalise’ things, but mostly I think it was because we had admitted that we could not predict and control everything. Even though we’d exchanged hundreds of e-mails, the laws of chemistry and attraction are still the biggest factor in determining whether or not a relationship has romantic potential, and we had underestimated that.”
MEETING PLACES
For Michelle, although a social networking website was the meeting place for her and a “new” man, the dynamic of the relationship once they’d met was in many ways the same as if they’d met in a more “traditional” setting, like at a party or in a bar.
As Michelle found, there is no substitute when it comes to sizing someone up, than a face-to-face meeting. There are all sorts of factors you can’t see (or smell!) in a virtual reality; like does he have body odour, does he wear bad shoes or have filthy fingernails? Then there’s the unquantifiable factor or chemistry. “You may have hit it off online, and you may have thought his picture was gorgeous, but that doesn’t guarantee attraction when you meet in person,” says dating coach Ramon Thomas.
“According to psychologists, seven percent of communication is based on words, 33 percent is based on tone of voice, and 60 percent is based on body language. So no matter how many messages you’ve exchanged online, remember that’s only seven percent of the package.” With over 540 000 users, Dating Buzz is one of SA’s leading Internet dating sites, and according to senior developer Warren Rohner, they have had over 400 successful hookups over the past three months. “Internet dating has gained a lot of media attention lately and I think this has helped reduce the stigma around it. In the past we might have been embarrassed to admit to dating online, but by now most of us know of someone who’s had success and so we are far more open to it,” says Rohner.
Online dating may seem like the ideal solution for reserved types, but it isn’t. “If you’re naturally shy or introverted, putting a barrier, such as a dating site, between you and other people means that you are never actually required to develop the social skills you need,” says Thomas. “Remember that the ultimate goal of online dating is to meet in person and develop a real life relationship, so you’re still going to have to work on your ability to interact socially.”
Stella Levin, a 24-year-old student, says, “I felt there was a reason why the guys I met online were using this approach to dating. They were very sweet, but not as socially confident as I would want in a potential partner, so I decided to delete my profile. The kind of guy I’m looking for is probably not going to be online.”
“Many people see online dating as a quick way to get hooked up,” says Rohner, but if you go into it with that attitude, you’ll probably be disappointed. If you’re looking to find something meaningful online, your best bet is to exercise the same caution, patience and restraint you would with anyone you met in person.
“Always err on the side of caution,” agrees technology dater Debbie Smit, 28. “It’s easy to be lulled into a false sense of security after chatting online, but remember that ultimately you don’t really know who you are talking to until you’ve met them in person.”
The number one rule when searching for love in a virtual reality is to meet in a public place with your own transport, and not to exchange personal details (such as home or work addresses) until you’ve met in person and feel that you can trust him. Always let a friend know where you’ll be, and until when, if you’re meeting someone for the first time. “Unfortunately dating sites do tend to attract some nasty characters,” says Rohner.
But there are some gems too. Corieda Kotze, 36, met her partner of six months on dating site YesNoMayB. “As a single mom to a six-year-old daughter and the owner/manager of a busy guesthouse, I didn’t have much time for conventional dating or setups so I decided to go online. The site offers a free five-day trial period, and within five days I’d met Pete.”
While you shouldn’t rush into it, Rohner suggests you don’t drag the process out for too long either. “This can lead to unrealistic expectations and misunderstandings. After a couple of weeks of e-mailing, you should be prepared to meet in person,” he says.
Thomas recommends a meeting should be arranged with a phone call. “Have at least two phone conversations before you meet: the first one can just be a quick introduction, and the second can be to arrange a meeting. You don’t need to talk for long or bare your souls to each other just yet, but talking on the phone is an opportunity to learn more about each other and decide whether or not you really want to meet.”
Smit began a romance by chatting on MXit. “I definitely wasn’t looking for anything romantic, but was open to making new friends,” she says. “The second time I logged on, I met Sven. We hit it off straight away and after a month of chatting we met in person. I’d never believed people when they said things like ‘when you meet the right man, you just know’, but that’s exactly what it was like with him. We’ve been together for over a year now, and we’re planning to get married next year.”
Perhaps there are some princes out there, and modern technology has opened up a Pandora’s box of new ways to meet yours. But ultimately the meeting place is just the first step, the getting-to-know-you really only begins when you sit opposite each other, face-to-face, for the first time (and we hope he’s not a toad!).
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