Q: My partner and I are in a long-term relationship. What questions should I ask him before we commit to marriage, and how do I ask them?
A: Communication is the foundation of a relationship. It’s all very well to be in love and committed to one another, but you have to share certain expectations and values to have a great marriage. If you sort out the basics and set ground rules before committing to marriage, it often makes life a lot easier later on when conflicts arise.
In our parents’ generation, the only questions that were asked were, “Can she cooke” and “Is he a good providerd”. Times have changed and we need to ask valid questions that can help us make decisions about our future.
Make a list of things to talk about; use this column as the basis and add your personal issues. To get perspective, think how you would respond if he presented you with these questions.
The major areas to focus on are money, work, children, family, friends and managing conflict.
Money
Who pays for what?
What are your financial goals now, and in five years?
What percentage of your money will you commit to a home?
Is the home in both your names?
How much of your income will you save each month?
Who decides on the big purchases?
Who manages the household finances?
Often the best way to sort this out is to devise a budget together that is suitable for you both. Decide too, on how much you want to spend on the wedding and come to a compromise as to who pays for what!
Work
Are we both going to work full time?
Under what circumstances will it be OK for one of us not to work?
Are we both ambitious?
What about overtime/weekend work?
Children
How important are children to both of us?
If so, when are we going to have them and how many do we want?
How will we share childcare duties?
Family
How much time will we spend with each other’s family?
Will we share special occasions with both families equally?
If one family lives far away, how often will we invite them to stay and for how long?
Can we both “cut the apron strings”e Are we committed to becoming dependent on each other instead?
When we have children, how will grandparents be involved?
Friends
Are we going to allow each other our individual friendships as well as have mutual friends?
How about “boys/girls” nights out?
Do we want more social involvement?
Will there be jealousy about former partners Are we still going to be friends with former partners?
Managing conflict
How do you deal with conflict (avoidance, sulking, screaming matches)? Ask about his style. Does he have a bad temper and what triggers it?
Comments