Technology makes it easier to bring up thorny topics while avoiding confrontation. And in our busy world, typed-out messages are fast becoming a substitute for the meaningful conversations that keep people connected. So if everyone is doing it, does that make it OK?
By exploring three women’s digital dilemmas (we’re sure they’re not the only ones wrestling with technology!) Newman reveals why in matters of the heart, letting your fingers do the talking often leads to more harm than good. Follow her fail-proof strategies for healthier communication.
TEXTING FRIEND TO FRENEMY
“Ultra-abbreviated texts offer few clues on the tone of a message or what a person is feeling as she’s typing it,” says Newman, “leading to confusion and misinterpretation.” A few misread words can trigger knee-jerk-reaction replies that quickly get out of hand. Those emotionally-charged texts can be reread ad-infinitum, adding stinging permanence to hurtful jabs.
The first time you get a text message that sounds snippy, resist the urge to respond in kind. Instead, pick up the phone, suggests Newman, and say, “We’ve been friends for so long. Clearly we’re not seeing eye-to-eye. Let’s talk about this.”
WHEN YOU’VE GOT MAIL = YOU’VE BEEN DUMPED
When you rely on technology to do your dirty work, you leave everything from the interpretation to the delivery of your message up to chance. “You may think you’re protecting the other person by allowing them to absorb the bad news privately,” says Newman, “but what you’re really saying is ‘I only care about myself. I’m ready to move on’.” You not only run the risk of hurting the person with a lack of sensitivity, your paper trail could lead straight to humiliation. In Joanna’s case, technology turned what should have been a private conversation into a very public matter–and her reputation suffered.
Break up face to face. Remember, heartfelt words can look callous in bold ink, but a warm voice and brush of the arm can do wonders to soften the “I’m crazy about you but it won’t work” breakup blow.
KEEPING ELECTRONIC TABS ON YOUR GUY
“Cracking password codes to sneak a peek at a partner’s private messages signals big trust problems,” says Newman. “While e-mail may confirm infidelity suspicions, it won’t reveal any underlying issues leading up to it. Maybe the relationship ran its course. Maybe the affair can be worked through in counselling. Without knowing the core problem, there’s no hope of resolving it.”
Confronting a partner about dubious behaviour is hard, says Newman, but before breaking into e-mail, it’s best to ask your partner face to face, “What’s going onn” Don’t fall prey to the technology trap. As we’ve seen in these three scenarios, where feelings are involved, technology is rarely the quick-fix it may at first appear to be.
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