It used to be that I wouldn’t date anyone with a brown suit, or white socks, or holey T-shirts. “Common sense” and oft-repeated aphorisms were never far from my mind when it came to potential partners. Red cars were a no-no; and so were actors. But, as it happens, eventually I gave these particulars up and am now married to a man who fits four of the previously taboo criteria. And it’s not that I’ve grown to like those attributes, but rather that I came to see that there was always going to be far more to anyone than such one-dimensional stipulations.
Of course, some of the much-jawed wisdoms aren’t myths; they’re very true and everyone would do well to follow them.
Don’t date a junkie is one of these. Apart from their shocking personal hygiene, there’s the matter of them being sluggish in the sack and yet nimble when it comes to pillaging your silverware. Don’t date the help, is another useful aphorism that I can’t explain without tremendous personal shame, so please, just take it from me: no matter how buff he looks in his tool belt desist. But what about other myths, ones that prevail despite our common sense? Psychologist Debbie Bright says that many of these myths do contain elements of truth, and may serve as warning bells. But she also believes that questioning and challenging them can be empowering. “Life is seldom as black and white as these things would have us believe, especially dating when slightly older,” she says. “Doing so frees us up from being puppeted by what society deems is OK and allows us to act authentically according to our own values and principles,” notes personal and professional coach Michelle Clarke.
Personal coach Telana Simpson points out that simply accepting dating myths is to short-change ourselves. Who knows what you might miss out on? “When we start to question an idea, or find evidence that does not support that idea, then we start to unravel it and it has less power over us,” she says. These myths all are related to pre-conceptions, explains life and relationship coach, Trixy Lochner.
“Understanding one’s values and bringing them into alignment opens up new possibilities, especially in the area of relationships.
Dating myths may perpetuate as a ‘crutch’ for those who’ve had bad experiences, and it is useful to look at how belief in ‘myths’ limits one’s experience.” And what’s more, “believing myths may create the very result one is trying to avoid,” she says. We say make your own rules.
‘YOU’LL NEVER MEET THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE IN A BAR’
“If one of your requirements for a partner is that they place absolutely no emphasis on alcohol and drinking, a bar might not be the best meeting place,” admits life and relationship coach Shelley Lewin. Of course, it depends largely on your choice of drinking hole which determines the type of people you’ll find therein. If you go to a place renown for stag nights, or with a reputation for being a “meat market”, it is then unlikely that you’ll find someone interested in a long-term relationship.
But, says Lewin: “Ask yourself: Is it a nice bar? Do you enjoy going there? Might there be another person who, like you, enjoys it?” If social drinking is part of your life and you are happy with it, then a bar shouldn’t be dismissed as a potential meeting place.
‘LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS NEVER WORK’
“The greatest challenge for long-distance relationships is the implication of little or less physical intimacy,” says Lewin. She notes that a long-distance relationship can have many other levels of intimacy that physical distance does not affect. “The emphasis or weight you and your partner place on physical intimacy will determine whether distance will be a problem in your relationship,” she says.
Someone who did just that is writer and editor Nicola Sampson (40)*.
“I never looked for men in bars, and dated for about a decade and half before I met my life partner. As it happens, it was in a bar. I was talked into going to a cool Long Street bar in Cape Town and met Jared there. He’s not what you could call even a social drinker, and was also there under duress.” Nicola and Jared happily debunked this myth, and have now been together for eight years, and married for two.
Alison Wilson (33), who met her husband in Cape Town where she lives, while he was living in Johannesburg, says, “I actually found there were many advantages to the distance. When you remove the physical aspect of the relationship, you find you base your relationship more on a solid foundation of communication, trust and genuine friendship. You talk much more, and all your time together is quality time.”
They racked up air miles and enormous phone bills for 18 months, and have now been married for three years.
“We saw each other about twice a month almost every month, and always having the next meeting planned gave us something to look forward to. We also managed to make plans around each other’s birthdays or important events, so we didn’t feel we were missing out too much,” she says.
“I have to say, though, that in the beginning I really didn’t think it was going to go anywhere it’s hard enough to get it right without the additional obstacle of distance. I went completely on gut feel, and I felt that if there was a possibility that what we had would develop into something meaningful, then I owed it to myself to explore it.
I’m really glad I did I was more surprised than anyone when I fell madly in love with him!” she laughs. “My verdict? For the right person it’s worth taking the chance.”
ONLY WEIRDOS HANG OUT ONLINE
‘ The Internet probably does attract some strange people, who feel they can hide behind a mask of anonymity. But by most accounts, men with ulterior motives are easy to spot online.
“You can pick them out by what they write and what they say. They are also often in a hurry to meet, are open about what they want, and won’t hang around writing e-mails for weeks on end,” says Erika Kelsey, 39, from Cape Town. “Did I meet some nice men onlinem Absolutely!” she says. “I was probably on the site for around eight months, and in that time corresponded with around 15 guys and met seven of these face to face. Of the seven guys I met, six held no appeal from a romantic perspective, but all were wonderful guys with whom I spent quality time. And the seventhn
Well, he introduced me to surf-skiing and is now my lovely husband. Of all the men I met he and I corresponded the longest, writing in some way or another other almost every day for four months before actually meeting. Neither of us was in a hurry to meet someone, and were simply enjoying the process of getting to know each other in a new, unpressurised and unthreatening way. By the time I met him, I probably knew far more about him than I would have had we met in the conventional way.
I guess the anonymity of email also makes it a lot easier for some people to open up to others. I don’t keep it a secret that we met on the web — in fact, I enjoy gauging other’s responses! In the earlier days there were some very surprised looks.
I suppose because this method of meeting someone was fairly new, and seen by many as something only desperate people did. To me it makes perfect sense, though.
I was very busy with my career, and didn’t really have the time or inclination to force myself into social situations hoping to meet new people. Internet dating allowed me to meet new people in a safe environment that I felt I could control. Am I glad I tried it Well I’m more happily married than I ever imagined being. Online dating may not appeal to everyone, but for me it’s been life-changing,” says Erika.
Before embarking on an online mythbuster, Clarke advises, consider what the benefits could be, and whether there could be another person who sees these same benefits. (And do bear in mind that weirdos also hang out in the gym, the office and the book club… not just online).
‘SLEEP WITH HIM ON THE FIRST DATE AND YOU’LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN’
When you consider your ages, your circumstances and your intentions, does it seem appropriate for you to sleep together on the first date Are you OK with the consequences, no matter what they might bec If the answers are “yes”, perhaps this myth is holding you back. And you probably won’t need to look very far to prove this myth wrong. I canvassed my friends and over 70 percent of those in a long-term relationship had committed this dating “taboo” with their current partner.
Another who is relieved to have rethought this myth, is Marla, 31, from Johannesburg. “At first, some friends posted my details on a dating site and I was extremely annoyed. But, they talked me into going on a few dates and came along to the coffee shops where I met potential partners, so that I would relax a little. I was convinced I was going to be abducted. But, after three quite strange guys, I met Conrad. We clicked (excuse the pun) immediately. He had children, as did I; he had gone through a divorce, as had I, and he was also extremely busy and with little time to meet anyone traditionally. There was nothing wrong him, and we became an item after about three dates. We are now talking about getting married.”
Says one, “It’s not like he expected me to be a virgin: we met when I was 34. I have a healthy sex drive and hadn’t had sex in over a year.
I seduced him. I felt very comfortable with him and it seemed right, and anyway I wasn’t planning a life with him at the time.” She also went on to say that had he not been interested in sex with her that night, she might never have wanted to see him again. “And then I would never have committed the ultimate taboo of falling head over heels in love with my boss!” she says with a smile.
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