Remember the high-school boyfriend with the motorbike your mom couldn’t stand; the first team rugby captain at university who couldn’t be faithful; and the artist who was always broke? Most of us have been through a phase of choosing completely unsuitable partners.
But why is it that some of us have never grown out of picking the wrong men? These men, says counselling psychologist Diane Mallaby, “could be emotionally unavailable, have a different set of value systems or needs to yours, or perhaps are abusive in one of several ways.”
Here’s what to watch out for:
THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE
Kerry Richards (30) has dated more men than she can count, she meets them in bars, at her office, and on the Internet. But she is always unhappy about the state of her love life. In fact, she goes from one disastrous relationship to the next. “Is it me?” she asks frequently. Mostly it’s her choices. From married men, to men who live in a different city, she dates anyone who asks, and even some who don’t.
“I just hate to be on my own,” she says. “I would rather be in any sort of relationship than none at all,” she confesses. Kerry is one of many modern women who are unhappy with their own company.
Why?
Mallaby says there could be unaddressed abandonment issues, stemming from childhood. “Perhaps her parents divorced, or one died when she was young – this would explain why she is afraid of being left alone.”
Difficulties with socialising or poor social skills, a lack of confidence with people, or a limited social support network, and hence a need to cling on to a relationship at all costs, could also be behind women who are serial – and not very selective – daters.
Societal pressure may be another factor. Although society is more tolerant now of women who marry later, or not at all, we are still saddled with ageing labels like “old maid” or “spinster” when we are single and independent adults. (Vastly less sexy than the eternal and rather distinguished “bachelor” for a man.) Not to mention nagging relatives who want to know why aren’t we married yet, and when are we going to find ourselves a “nice man to settle down with.” Apart from the enormous fun single women have and the independence they enjoy, a good man, frankly, is hard to find. But society makes us feel like less of a success if we take our time looking, or indeed choose the single life over coupledom.
Not only is society intolerant of singles, but it rather unrealistically romanticises the very idea of partnership. “The proverbial knight in shining armour, the notion of a soulmate, The One, or Mr Right, is a lot of BS!” says Mallaby. “This romanticised version of real life, and the image of the fairytale wedding and life ever after is an idea that is presented to many young girls through popular media, celebrity weddings and even their own peer groups. This may distort women’s ideas of what a normal, healthy relationship is. Also, very little attention is given to the very real issues of finances, parenting, values, lifestyle, communication styles and so on.” This makes for a very shaky foundation for a marriage. These issues are often not addressed until after the wedding, when many couples realise that they differ fundamentally and can’t find middle ground.
REVERTING TO THE FAMILIAR
For women who are used to unfulfilling relationships, choosing wrong partner after wrong partner feels right because it’s familiar. It’s the way it’s always been. In this context, there is more than a little truth to the saying that women choose husbands who are like their fathers.
“It’s like a dance,” says Mallaby, you are used to one type of partner, you know your steps and those your partner takes. So you look for someone who can fill that mould, someone who can step into those shoes and lead you in the same way you know and are used to. But, she warns, “It’s not necessarily healthy, and you can’t see this until you are aware of that role, and can learn alternative, more healthy dance steps.”
The same can be said of men who choose wives who are like their mothers. Conditioning or programming is an extremely strong factor in determining our approach to relationships. “This is why the ‘inner child’s perspective’ used in therapy is so important. You have to understand the root cause of the behaviour of seeking out certain types of men, and bring it into adult awareness,” says Mallaby.
There is a deep-seated need to right the wrongs of the past, and that’s why women stay in abusive relationships
SELF-ESTEEM
Self-esteem is so often at the heart of unsatisfactory and abusive relationships. “In many cases, early negative experiences in relationships with significant others leads to self-esteem issues,” confirms Mallaby. This makes us vulnerable to future destructive relationships.
Attractive and sporty Mel Harris (31) says, “I learnt a pattern early on, my dad was always very critical and negative, and I grew up believing that I couldn’t do anything right and I wasn’t good enough. I constantly find myself attracted to men who show the same characteristics, and there’s always some sort of problem – he’s either lost his job, or he has a drinking problem or something. I am just not interested in nice guys. On some level I think to myself, he’s broken, so he won’t leave me because I’m the same. It becomes like an addiction. And I do feel that’s all I deserve.”
Essentially, one has to develop a relationship with oneself based on forgiveness, acceptance and nurturing. “Too many young women are incredibly critical of themselves, often going into ‘critical parent’ mode. They don’t believe anyone would want to be with them, and feel they have to put on a facade, afraid that if they show their vulnerability they will once again be rejected. We therefore tolerate abusive behaviour – all too often feeling responsible for or deserving of it. This only leads to a cycle of abuse that further erodes self-worth.
The first step is identifying this cycle and gradually challenging some of these entrenched beliefs of ourselves as ‘unlovable’,” says Mallaby.
*All names have been changed.
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