Breaking up is a part of life, and while it is a painful process, there are many ways to alleviate the blues.
Facing the trauma
“Breaking up is an emotional crisis,” says counselling psychologist Rosa Bredekamp. You’ll have to deal with feelings of anger, depression, inadequacy, fear, shock, denial, guilt, confusion, hope for reparation of the relationship and so on. “Take responsibility for these feelings and find a healthy way to express them so as not to build up further tension,” Bredekamp advises. Find a friend to confide in, consult a therapist, or note down and explore your feelings in a journal.
When Brenda, 27, heard that her ex was seeing someone else three weeks after their break-up, her action was a little more drastic. “I had never been so angry with anyone before and I really didn’t know how to handle my emotions. Eventually I made a big fire and burnt everything that had anything to do with him — letters, photos, presents he’d given me, shells I’d picked up on our walks on the beach — absolutely everything. I know it’s a real cliche, but I felt much better afterwards and could finally start letting go of my anger.”
Breaking up tends to bring out the worst in all of us, says clinical psychologist Stephanie Vermeulen, and you may discover things you don’t like about yourself and the other person. “Both parties will say and do hurtful things, but keep perspective and understand that the person is lashing out from their own pain. The unkind things they are saying are not the truth about you — this is just a way of deflecting their negative emotions.”
Dealing with rejection
Once you’re over the initial shock of the break-up, it’s natural for feelings of rejection to set in. Realise that this is part of the process and although it’s important for you to acknowledge your role in the breakdown of the relationship, now is not the time to be obsessing over what you could’ve, would’ve and should’ve done to save it.
“When Chris broke up with me it was a huge blow to my ego,” recalls Charlene, 28. “Our relationship was probably unhealthy from the start because he was seeing someone else when I met him. I was flattered that he left her to be with me. After a year and a half, I thought we were madly in love. Out of nowhere, he told me things weren’t working for him. He said he didn’t really love me and that he found our relationship boring. For months I beat myself up about this, but later I found out he was actually seeing someone else. If I’d been more ‘interesting’ perhaps I could have kept his attention for another couple of months or so, but eventually he’d move on. It took me a while to realise it, but that’s just who he is. It wasn’t really about me.”
Our egos are fragile at the best of times, says clinical psychologist Bea Potgieter, and many people experience a break-up as a rejection of who they are, especially if their sense of self-worth is already weak. “It’s normal to experience a certain amount of self-doubt and uncertainty after a break-up, but if these feelings intensify and become more destructive with time, it is possible that the end of your relationship may have triggered some underlying conflicts.” It’s at this stage that the idea of a rebound fl ing is most appealing, but remember that this is surface-level treatment for deep-rooted wounds, and allowing your relationship status to determine your sense of self-worth is a slippery slope to low self-esteem.
“Jumping from one relationship to the next is the unhealthiest way to deal with a break-up,” warns Vermeulen. “The excitement of the new relationship just covers the unhealed wounds of the past, ensuring that the same issues are likely to fester again.” It’s vital that you spend time alone, or with nurturing family and friends, until you’ve dealt with the grief. This is the only way you’ll be able to start a new relationship without hauling in unresolved baggage.
For Wendy, 30, it helped to work through everything she was unhappy with in the relationship. “When Sean and I broke up, I made a list of all the things I didn’t like about being with him and then made myself a promise that I would never accept or put up with that again. It helped me realise that being with him wasn’t a complete waste of time because it could bring me closer to knowing and finding what I really want from a partner.”
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