You’re in a relationship and you’re both active. It seems like the most natural thing in the world to work out together – and what better way to bond than over a run on the beach or an early-morning cycle?
But what if your significant other doesn’t exactly share your vision of this quality time together – and instead of having fun, your workout becomes an exercise in frustration?
For 29-year-old Raine and her husband Mark, working out together just didn’t err… work out. “Mark’s very competitive and struggles to take things slowly,” explains Raine. “We’d try running, surfing or cycling together – but he’s so good at all of these activities that I’d struggle and feel tremendous pressure to keep up.”
Eventually Raine decided to exercise with a friend closer to her fitness level instead. But she also points out that they have very different exercise goals. “I work out to keep fit, but Mark exercises for fun and he’s naturally very competitive, so we realised we’d be better off exercising on our own. But we still enjoy less competitive activities together, like hiking or mountain biking.”
Are men always more likely to be the competitive culprit? “Not necessarily,” says Pretoria sports psychologist Greyling Viljoen. “Men and women are equally competitive. But men seem to want to compete more of the time, whether it’s appropriate or not, while women find it easier to do something purely for the fun and enjoyment of it.”
And while a little competition isn’t necessarily unhealthy, it can damage the relationship when one or both partners end up feeling frustrated and disillusioned when they should be enjoying their time together.
“Any form of power-play in a relationship isn’t good,” advises Viljoen. “If working out together becomes a platform for one partner to ‘outdo’ the other, one of you will end up resenting the activity – and your partner.” So what can you do if your workouts are getting you all worked up?
TRAINING TIPS FOR TWO
Try meeting on neutral training ground, advises Viljoen. If your partner’s about to complete his fifth Cycle Tour and you’re a little unsteady on two wheels, cycling together probably isn’t your best choice of activity.
“It’s always more difficult to enjoy something together if one partner is naturally far better at it than the other,” says Viljoen. So opt for something that’s relatively new for both of you: take up mountain climbing or paddling – any activity where you can have fun together and learn a new skill.
And there are tremendous benefits to enjoying exercise together. For Shape production editor Kassy Thorne, taking up running with her then-partner sparked a passion for all forms of exercise and brought them closer together: “We’d talk most on our early-morning runs,” says Kassy. “It’s where we really got to know each other.”
Having a training buddy is also great motivation, and you’re more likely to train harder and stay motivated with someone than you would on your own. The rush of feel-good endorphins can also give your relationship a boost. “Moderate, regular aerobic exercise has a lasting effect on mood – and you’ll enjoy each other’s company more if you’re both feeling a little lighter and brighter,” says Viljoen.
But if all else fails and working out together isn’t working out, it’s worth knowing when to throw in the towel rather than risk becoming resentful of your partner or your preferred activity. “Too much resentment is often the biggest obstacle to reconciling after a fallout,” cautions Viljoen. “Exercise should be full of fun and not frustration. If doing it together takes the fun out of it, your relationship is better off if you continue on your own.”
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