by Andrea Ketteringham
There’s nothing more attractive than confidence, so why aren’t we working on that instead of obsessing about how we look?
“I’m going to pass on dinner,” says my friend Jen, because she’s on diet. “Look at these thighs. Look at my belly. I cannot face another summer holiday looking like this, I have to do something,” she wails. I know exactly what she’s talking about because just this morning I was thinking the same thing. Except in her case I don’t know why she’s complaining, because her thighs and belly look absolutely fine to me.
When I tell her she looks fantastic and dieting really isn’t necessary she mumbles the obligatory thanks, but I can tell it didn’t sink in. I remind her that she’s a successful career woman, that her husband adores her just as she is, and that her bubbly personality is the glue that holds our group of friends together. She rolls her eyes and pinches her tummy to show me none of that matters in comparison to her “soft” belly.
I decide to let it rest because I’ve been on the receiving end of this conversation before, and I know it’s a losing battle. The problem is not weight, fat, flab or cellulite. The real issue is body image.
Why are we so body conscious
“There are social and cultural factors that shape and mould our ideas of what is a ‘good’ or ‘acceptable’ body and what is a ‘bad’ or ‘un-acceptable’ body,” says clinical psychologist Cari Corbet-Owen, author of Mind Over Fatter (Oshun). “These ideas become internalised and eventually we don’t even realise we’re swimming in a sea of culturally rigid ideas about body image, so we seldom stop to question these.”
Your mother’s relationship to her body may have impacted the way you view yours, says Myers, or perhaps offhand comments by your father, siblings or classmates left lasting insecurities. Peer pressure, magazines, the fashion industry, and various other social factors have no doubt taken a toll too.
When you resolve to make a different choice, you can — with conscious effort — stop the ingrained pattern by replacing negative thoughts with encouraging affirmations.
But bear in mind that this is a long term cure, not a quick fix. “Building self-approval has to be done brick by brick, layer upon layer. It’s not a one-day job,” says Corbet-Owen. To get started, adopt the habits outlined in our body-confidence action plan:
Your body-confidence action plan:
1.Would you rather have your best friend feeling happy, positive and confident — or thinb Would you give her a harsh talking to if she put on a bit of winter weighte Would you tell her she wasn’t good enough to bare her body on the beach in a swimming costumeg Nope, thought not, so why treat yourself this waym Building body confidence starts with a resolution to be your own best friend, ally and supporter — don’t say anything to your reflection that you wouldn’t say to your best friend.
2. Cut a piece of string to the length you imagine you’d need to wrap around your waist, thighs, and hips to see whether you are overestimating your size, advises Myers. Many studies show that women are likely to overestimate their body size, especially their middle, hips and thighs.
3. Are you waiting until you have the “right” body to begin living the life you want to livei Accept that you deserve to have that life now. “Being thin doesn’t suddenly make you worthy of the job you’d like or a meaningful relationship or wearing clothes you find attractive. Making the decision that you are worthy makes your life worthy,” says Corbet-Owen. Ask yourself: what do I need to do right now, this minute, to be more joyful and to let more of my personality shine througho
4. Instead of imagining yourself skinny, imagine yourself being as confident as you desire, even with the body you have right now, advises Corbet-Owen. Ask yourself what you’d do differently if you were filled with confidence, then practise living as if that were true. Ask yourself: how would I talk if I was sparkly and wittyv What look would people see in my eyes: How would I hold my body, my shoulders, my armsa What sorts of thoughts would I be havingo In what positive ways would people be responding to mef Paint a clear mental picture to model yourself on.
5. You may not be able to control what people around you do, but you do have the power to interpret people’s actions in the kindest possible way, says Corbet-Owen. Ask yourself: what interpretation could I choose that would be most healthy for mee
6. Formulate a reasonable weight goal, taking into account your genetic make-up, weight-management history and lifestyle. Learn to accept this goal and then implement it. “This is probably the most important action you can take to improve your body image,” says Senekal, but it may mean that you’ll have to let go of some long-held fantasies based on unrealistic weight goals. “If you continue to aspire to reach a particular ‘look’ without taking your body’s uniqueness into consideration, you are sure to lose the body image battle,” says Senekal.
7. The most important challenge underlying any attempt to improve your body image should be to focus on changing your body image and not on changing your body, says Senekal. Research has shown that it is possible to improve your body image without changing your weight, but it will take a conscious commitment and effort on your part.
8. Many of our habits, thoughts and behaviours are kept in place by other people. “If the women in your family or group of close friends constantly complain about their appearance, you learn that looks are something to worry about. If a mother openly and continuously shows disgust or shame at certain parts of her body, it will affect her daughter’s perceptions of what is acceptable or not,” says Senekal. You may think you’re tough enough to handle your own verbal abuse, but your self-criticism impacts the people closest to you too. Do you really want to perpetuate body-related neuroses among your friends — or more importantly, your daughters
9. It’s easier to concentrate on growing self-love than trying to shrink inadequacy, says Corbet-Owen. Spend a little time each day being grateful for what your body can do: it can run half-marathons and swim in the ocean, sing karaoke and dance until the wee hours, make love that leaves you tingling, and bear children for whom it will remain an eternal safe-haven. There’s no gadget on the planet that can do what your body does — take a moment to appreciate that.
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