Growing up, my mom wasn’t like the other moms. She worked full-time, she wore knee-high leather boots, and she never dictated our eating habits.
If we refused to eat, she wouldn’t force us. She’d simply cover the plate and put it in the fridge until we felt like eating (usually half an hour later). If we wanted a sweet, she would give us a small one. And there was always a giant bowl of fruit to snack on between meals.
Dinner was frequently roasted chicken with rice and two vegetables (one green and one orange), or a baked potato with mince and Greek salad. On Friday nights Mom often took a well-deserved break and we had pizza or something else deliverable. Nando’s was a popular choice.
My lunchbox was the traditional rectangular one with a space for the plastic juice bottle that inevitably leaked (and was more often filled with water). Lunch was usually a cheese, lettuce and tomato or a tuna and cottage cheese sandwich, plus two pieces of fruit. Food was never an issue, just something delicious when we were hungry. We also exercised with Mom by taking the dogs for a walk, and she encouraged us to play on the field near our house.
When she and my dad put on weight they ate fewer sweets and exercised more. Simple. Or so I thought. I never realised how blessed I was to escape the minefield that food and eating can be. When I moved to a private all-girls high school, I encountered mothers who monitored everything their daughters ate. No soft drinks, no sweets, no pizza – ever. They were so paranoid about putting on weight themselves that they passed this anxiety on to their daughters (and then blamed fashion magazines for anorexia).
It took Marie*, many years to get over her anorexic mother’s obsession with food control. “On my wedding day she told me not to eat too much at the reception because ‘I shouldn’t let myself go’. My sisters still have issues, but I’ve managed to move past lambasting myself for everything I eat. My husband loves me and I love a piece of cake now and then.” However, Marie is worried about her family’s impact on her own children. “My grandmother was also anorexic and a few of my aunts, so I do worry that if I have a daughter one day I’ll pass these tendencies on to her.”
Psychologist Neil Tuck says a mother’s attitude to food and exercise can lead to her child developing eating disorders or depression. “Children sense anxiety and pick up subconscious cues from their parents. A mother who is comfortable with her body and food will pass that down to her daughter. It is better to be comfortably imperfect than neurotically perfect.”
My own mother never stood in front of a mirror to criticise her appearance. I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. To me she was an olive-skinned, raven-haired version of Princess Di. She appreciated her body and that meant I learnt to appreciate mine too.
Lynn Boffa, 24, also credits her mother and her upbringing for the healthy attitude she has towards food and exercise.“We grew up playing in sand pits, climbing trees and swimming in dams. There was no satellite TV, computers or video games, so we were extremely active. My mom grew vegetables and herbs, including carrots, cabbage, spinach and butternut. She also planted fruit trees … oranges, guavas, lemons and pineapples. My mother never forced healthy food or veggies on us, as that’s all we had – that’s what we knew as food.” And her mother involved the children in the kitchen. “She didn’t keep treats from us. We had an open cookie jar and baked biscuits with her. We sat at the dinner table for meals. I developed a palate for healthy food and that’s still what I like today. I don’t like fast food or junk food. I hate the taste and it feels unhealthy.”
Johannesburg dietitian, Jane Badham, says this is the ideal way to eat. “Teaching children from an early age to eat at least five servings of fruit and vegetables a day helps prevent disease and promote long-term health,” she says. “Eating at the table is also better for you because it slows down your eating and makes for happier, healthier families as they get to share in the day’s events.”
Although my mother didn’t have a vegetable garden, she instilled in me the need to have at least two vegetables on my dinner plate, and a preference for home-cooked meals. And we had had our own wonderful kitchen rituals. Being in the kitchen with her was that precious part of the day when we talked while I did my homework. On weekends she’d make pancake batter and let my brother and I sizzle flapjacks on the stove. In winter, we helped her make gigantic pots of lamb and vegetable soup, using a wonderful ’70s Kenwood food processor. Its rcent ‘death’ was a sad day in the Whitehouse household as it carried the memory of many of those happy kitchen times. “Children shouldn’t feel as if food selection is purely the domain of the adult. By encouraging an understanding of food and its preparation, mothers empower their kids to make healthier choices later in life – and they will re-enact those rituals when they are adults,” says Tuck.
The same applies to exercise. Tracy Kolbe-Alexander, of the University of Cape Town’s Research Unit for Exercise Science and Sports Medicine, says studies show that parental involvement strongly influences a child’s activity levels, especially in children under the age of seven. “Children with physically active parents are nearly six times more likely to be active than those with inactive parents, and creating access to physical activity is even more important for girls”. (Boys are naturally more active, and there is greater peer pressure on boys to participate in sports).
My mother sent me to tennis lessons and, because we were lucky enough to live in a quiet cul-de-sac, we played outside the house on weekends. Lynn remembers running wild on the farm. “It was pretty hard not to be active because there was nothing else to do but explore, play outside and swim in the dam.
Copywriter Marcelle Lang, 27, grew up in a fitness-oriented household.“I didn’t play sports, I hated them really, and luckily my mother never forced me to do them. I’m just not the kind of person who gravitates towards physical exertion! But my parents were into running and regularly took part in marathons. Their dedication has always inspired me to at least get my butt down to gym a few times a week. I find it keeps my mind and body in balance – I need those endorphins!”
Even if her children are not naturally athletic, a mother can incorporate physical activity into what they love, taking kids to the beach to play in the sand or to a forest to collect pretty leaves to make pictures with. A favourite CD to dance to is a great way to bring movement into a home.”Whether it’s running, sport, painting or dancing, being active together builds a girl’s confidence in her ability and ingrains a positive attitude towards exercise. Making family time a physically active time also helps busy moms stay healthy while spending time with their kids,” says Kolbe-Alexander.
My mother ran a business, cooked dinners, raised two relatively well-adjusted kids, stayed fit and still managed to go to book club. Amazingly, she looked pretty damn good doing all of this. Sometimes she put on weight, sometimes she wasn’t as fit as she liked to be, and sometimes, just to get a little peace and quiet, she locked herself in the bathroom with our Golden Retriever standing guard. But no matter how tired or stressed she was, she never made us feel bad about ourselves, or our bodies. She and my father have always had the motto “Everything in moderation”. The idea is to keep moving, eat when you’re hungry, and don’t feel guilty about enjoying what life has to offer – just keep it all in balance.
* not her real name
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