After temporarily succeeding yet ultimately failing at every diet in the known world, I felt hopeless about my weight and myself. Then a friend asked me the question that would change my life: “Why don’t you just make the best food choice from whatever is availablea”

At first, the idea didn’t seem all that profound. But slowly, it began to take hold whenever I read a menu or scanned the grocery store shelves.

I soon realised that “best” is a multifaceted concept. Choosing the best for breakfast, lunch, and dinner encouraged me to consider which foods are the most nutritious, the most delicious, even the most fairly priced: carrot-ginger soup at my local coffee shop for Tuesday’s lunch or whole-wheat fettucine with olive oil and fresh vegetables for dinner at home. Obviously, making these food choices guaranteed me better meals. But there was a surprise, too: I found myself living a better life.

Without conscious effort, this new “best” habit began to infiltrate other areas of my life. I grew less and less willing to sit through a mediocre movie merely to have something to do on the weekend. Buying ill-fitting jeans simply because they were on sale no longer seemed so savvy. Taking part in a conversation that was negative or gossipy lost all appeal. There was no going back.

Be positive
“When we begin to adhere to a higher standard in any part of our lives, we start to look at the other parts that aren’t reflecting our revised intentions,” says life coach Gail McMeekin, author of The Power of Positive Choices (Conari Press). “We need to communicate to the people around us that we are raising the bar, that we want higher-quality conversations and higher-quality experiences.”

As children, most of us had no problem wanting (and asking for) the prettiest dress in the store or the biggest cookie on the plate. Yet many women lose that youthful sense of entitlement as we internalise the message that nice girls leave what they really want for someone else to have. We see sacrifice as a virtue, even when it’s essentially meaningless.

“For any woman over 30, there is a huge cultural legacy of being a bad girl if you have too much or want too much,” says Jennifer Louden, author of Comfort Secrets for Busy Women. “This causes us to fear our appetites – that they’ll be insatiable and cost us the love of other people.

To protect ourselves from something so scary, a lot of us learned the ‘burnt toast syndrome’ from our mothers or older sisters, where we’ll say, ‘I’ll take the burnt piece and give you the good one.’ We can’t help but feel conflicted, to think, Who am I to take the bestt”

Mandy Collins recalls growing up in a house where the ‘best’ bits were dished up for Dad. “We all loved grilled mushrooms with dinner but Dad got the biggest, and best first. To this day, when I serve them to my own family, I usually give them all away, because it makes me feel so guilt-stricken to even want the tiniest bit for myself.” So we settle. Which would be fine if it really made us saintly and magnanimous and turned the world into a utopia of joyful charity. But it doesn’t work that way. In truth, it’s when our personal needs are met that we are most able to give back.

“When we choose the best, we fill up our spirit and nourish our soul,” says Richard Carlson, author of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (Hyperion). “This leads to a happier existence, which is, quite simply, good news for everyone. When we’re satisfied, our natural instinct is to reach out to others, to be kind, loving, and generous. When we don’t have what we need inside, we can’t do this.”

Be deserving
Many of us suffer from “scarcity consciousness,” a feeling that the best of life is reserved for select bluebloods, and we “ordinary” folk are supposed to accept what’s left: the discounted, the generic, the day-old. Such notions can stay with people long after they know, and can afford, better. Scarcity consciousness is not always about money. “It can seem that there is a finite amount of even the intangibles – love, beauty, fulfilment – and that other people are more deserving of these than we are,” says Leslie Levine, author of Wish It, Dream It, Do It (Fireside). “We’re still learning to be good caretakers of ourselves, to distinguish between good guilt (“I hurt someone and need to make amends”) and bad guilt (“I took myself to lunch when I could have been doing volunteer work”).

Meanwhile, if Champagne, caviar, and cruise ships leave you cold, that doesn’t mean yours is a cut-rate destiny. “The best in your life is what will give you pleasure and what will help you meet your goals,” McMeekin notes. “Carrie in Sex and the City needed those Manolo Blahniks. If I wore them, I’d be terrified they’d get rained on or that I’d break an ankle. I just wouldn’t get as much pleasure out of those shoes as she did.

“Because I get affirmation more from what I do than from the way I look, I derive that shoe-shopping joy from what’s on my desk – a very good computer – rather than from what’s on my feet. We all need to have the best, based on our own priorities.”

Be happy
However we define our personal best, we all seek the contentment that comes from knowing the things that most matter to us are being taken care of. It’s the feeling you might have coming back to the office after a satisfying lunch: Your clothes fit well and feel comfortable. You’re having a good hair day and a good kids-and-husband day. Work is going smoothly, and your plans for the evening, whether for book club or the opera, are exactly what you’d like.

This delicious equilibrium – the result of choosing the best for yourself in countless tiny ways, all day, every day – is the ultimate luxury. “Our culture tells us the best that’s out there is more stuff, but that’s not the half of it,” McMeekin says. “Sometimes we want fewer things to take care of and more space in our lives. Many of the women I work with are screaming for stillness and serenity – a massage or a retreat or a day off.

For some, choosing the best can be a day of doing nothing.”Whether you desire a little more bling or a little less going on, choosing the best will help you achieve it. “After you get a taste of meeting your own desires, it leads you step by step into wanting to satisfy your deeper needs – for more satisfying work, greater intimacy, more creativity. You won’t put up with the boss yelling at you anymore or your husband expecting you to be happy watching television every night,” says Louden.Or, in my case, settling for some chalky energy bar from the vending machine when I could have that one perfect little block of smooth dark chocolate.

8 Avenues to a higher quality of life:

1. Food
Eat the healthiest, freshest, most colourful foods, organically grown if possible. And remember that “best” also includes what you have a craving for right now.

2. Mornings
What you do in the first hour of your day sets the tone for the remaining 23. If you fit in some spiritual practice (prayer, meditation, journal writing), a little yoga, and a good breakfast, you’ll feel terrific about yourself when you leave the house.

3. Self-care
Choose products that align with your goals, practices that nurture your body and soul, and a health-and-grooming regimen you’ll stick with no matter what.

4. Support team
You want the top doctor, therapist, trainer, coach, lawyer, or accountant – not necessarily the most expensive, but someone you can relate to, respect, and trust.

5. Friendships
Every person is valuable, but not everyone is ideal company. Favour those whose energy enlivens you and whose personality complements yours. “You’re the most important person in your life,” says author Richard Carlson. “You deserve to be with great people!”

6. Tools of your trade
If you’re an artist, you’re entitled to quality brushes and quality paint. If you sew, you’re worth great fabric and a well-appointed sewing room. If you work in an office, you deserve good lighting, a properly maintained computer, and a desk that holds your basic supplies.

7. Literature
Light reading can be a delicious diversion, but really fine books let your brain travel first-class. “People who write well and tell their story in a way that’s clear and rich bring that clarity and richness into your life,” says author Leslie Levine.

8. Speech
Take time to choose the optimal words, whether you’re talking to yourself or to someone else. Speak from a place of confidence and self-esteem, yet always be kind to others: They’re looking for the best in life, too.